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EtfNHi u a. disease wbioh the entire human famify is Subject to. _li 
appears to constitute one of the evils that came out. Of the- Wonderful 
box ef Pandora, and, from its first essay into the worldy spread its drowsy: 
influence far and wide, pausing a fixed tension of the mu«cle= of the face 
an elongation of the features, and a staid soberness in- man's demeanor 
which seemed to write •" suicide " upomjhis brolW. To connteracl the 
baleful effects of this opiate of our naittre, wit and humor were crea- 
ted in order that man might sometirifc bask in the sunshine of happi- 
ness,- and shake- off the lassitude caused by his harihg sudsed gre*'. 
persimmons in the early days of life. We are thgtshildren of impulse, 
and always act according to eireutnstances. Tickle our nerves and wo 
laugh, wound them and wo ory. Good humor is always a sure antidote 
for ennui, and whatever administers, to our happiness in this world, must 
of course tend to sweeten, if not to lengthen life; ''Laugh and grow fat, 
as a*jollyold English saying, and if appearances are fair indications, 
John Ball "acts nobly up to hi3 favorite motto. 

There are various classes of wit ; The Brilliant, the Electric, and the 
Pointed constitute the principal. Men may frequently be witty without 
knowing it, and per contra, men may frequently attempt wit and believe 
themselves Witty, when no one else ejter belj|fce(SLt<teiii gailt/'of saying 
tt, good thing. ■•* • '* 

Brilliant wit dazsfles us with its splendor ; it creates admir&iiou, and 
but seldom laughter. For instance, Judge Dawes whl r e «w the bench 
was shown a watch which hal saved a man's life by resisting a pistol 
bullet. "A wonderful watoh," exclaimed he, ,l it hi^ kept time from 
etbenitt." There is nothing to laugh at in the.jJudge's spontyjpeous 
jeud'esprit ; no punning, no play upon words, yet every one*must ob- 
serve the foree of the allusion. 

Of this kind Of wit was Gov.emeu,r Morris. While the surgeons were 
amputating bjs Ieg.he" observed his servant standing by weeping_"Tom," 
said Mr. Morris, " why are you weeping 1 It is rank hypecricy-- you 
wish to laugh ; for, in futurs you'll have but one shoe to clean instead 
of two"' 

Also Judge Peters, who was sitting alone*b hear a law argument. 
After a very laarnod arid able discussion, he turned to the counsel and 
said, "The Court is divided in opinion.' 

Brilliant wit never fails to indicate genius; it seems of spontaneous 
birth, and always falls pleasantly upon the ear. J. once heard Smith, the 
oslebrated razor strap man, thus eulogize his razors ; 

"Gentlemen, these razors were made in a cava in Andaluiia, in Spam. 
Thoy can cut as quick as thought, and are as bright as the morning 
star. Lay them under your pillgwat night and you will be eleMishaved 
in the morning." 

Shakspesre makes Mercutio say la his dyi % moments, "Bend for mo 
to. morrow and von wijl find me a ouAvE.tnatv" He never had been 

iv 1'KfifAUE. 

grave before. The play hero is upon the word 'grave ;' the last effort 
of the dying man ought, therefore, more properly to come under the 
head of serious punning. 

Klectric wit takes aa audience by surprise, for no one anticipated it. 
It creates both admiration and laughter. The reader will be kind 
enough to imagine himself within the area of a sooial circle, ia friendly 
chat with those who can give a joke and take one. From some unex- 
pected quarter a bright spark is emitted, and the surprise is only equalled 
by the admiration created by the sudden explosion. A truly witty man 
seldom laughs at his own jokes. If he succeeds, in making others laugh 
it is glory enough for him- I have met with many a wag whose dry 
humor was such, that though his scintillations might be considered a. 
dull pyroteohnic display, yet the serio-comic way in which the attempt 
was made, convulsed tlic company with laughter, and brought down 
thunders of applause- 

The third class, which I denominate Pointed wit, is always associated 
■with satire- It is a dangerous speotes of wit, and though it may please 
many, it i^ always sure to wound some. The epigrams of former times 
■were considered of the first order of wit--the severer their stroke, the 
more they won admiration. I have known a pungent repartee to give 
rise to a duel. I have also known brothers to become deadly and unnat- 
ural enemies for the same cause. "Chose who consider themselves wags 
should, therefore, be wary how they use "the out direct," for a polished 
sword of steel, when exposed to the sunlight may excite the admiration 
of the crowd,. but let it fall upon the sconce of some unlucky wight, and 
he is sure to wince- 

The roader will' find specimens of those different species recorded in 
the pages that follow these introductory remarks. Many of the sparks 
that are emitted from fya tqMs of tjjis little book have, doubtless, before 
dazzled the seeker after hwfior, while others aro produced as an antidote 
to oare for the first time, with a faint hope that they may succeed in. 
effecting a paj-feet cure- 

The book is published for the amusement of our brave sotdisrs who 
are on the tented field- It is the editor'.-: hope that it may tend to ehoer 
the dreary routine orcamp duty, and prove a welcome panacea to the dull 
monotony of "voiceless woods and whispering brooks " 

In our selections we have drawn heavily upon our friend, Punch t 
of Richmond, thereby showing our good taste and ready appreciation of 
his wit and good humor. ~We have also culled from- the luminous pages 
of the "Confederate Knapsack," and "Bugle Horn of Liberty." 



— - * -**- * 

A Jew's Ooksiienck. — A Jew was observed noticing 
very intently a prodigiously fine ham. "What are you say- 
ing to that ham, Mr. Jacobs ?" asked a bystander, " I was 
saying to it, thou almost persuadeth me to become a 
christian." The Jew's appetite was making a fearful assault 
upon his religious scruples. 

Macreauy Now-TMissEn. — An under-actor, who had a 
grudge against the great Macready, once had to personate 
Rosencranz to his Hamlet, and lie siezed on the favorable 
opportunity of annoying him. In the scene where Hamlet, 
according to the correct edition of .Shakspeare, hands 
•Rosencranz a pipe and requests him to play upon it ; there 
was some small confusion, the property man having neglected 
to furnish a "pipe." llosencranz seeing the dilemma of the 
noble Dane, reached down into the orchestra and brought up 
a bassoon. Hamlet was horror stricken, butrthe play must 
go on. With much dignity, mingled with mortification, he 
passed the unwieldy instrument over to Rosencranz and 
proceeded : 

"Can you play upon this instrument ?'■' 

''No, my lord." 

"You have but to place ycur lingers upon these little 
ventages, and it will discourse most eloquent music." 

tL l cannot play, my lord." 


''Weil, my lord," said Rosencranz, placing the instrumen 
to his lips, "if you insist, up'on it, I will. I'll give^ you 
Michael Wiggins ; it's the only tune I ever learned.' 
And to the horror of the great actor, and the merriment of 
the audience, the fellow went into the Irish jig of Michael 


Wiggins in downright earnest, creating a confusion that 
caused his discharge from the company, though he was grat- 
ified at having his revenge on Maeready. 

Clerical Wit. — The Rev. Mr. Gcokman, who was lost 
in the ill-fated steainer President, once preached to a con- 
gregation in Baltimore which had an excellent choir to do 
their singing. The members of the Church, however, 
thought tney had a right, and, in fact, that it was their duty 
to join in the choral services, and, consequently, gave their 
"powerful aid" to the trained choristers. On the occasion 
alluded to a congregational hymn was sung. The choir took 
the time that suited them, aud the congregation chimed in 
smoothly enough at first; but at length began to drag, and 
finally every oDe seemed singing "on his own book." When 
the hymn was brought to a chaotic close, the reverend gen- 
tleman arose and remarked : 

"]f the brethren of the choir will sing a fettle slower, 
and the bretheren of 'the congregation a leetle faster, I have 
not the least doubt but the music will be mueh more accep- 
table to @od." 

An Accommodating Conscience. — An old negro who 
was generally hired out to different masters, was once asked 
by a white sectarian, who wished to hire him, to what church 
he belonged ? To this interrogatory he replied : 

" When I is hired out to a marster dat is Presbyterian, 
I is Presbyterian. When I is hired out to a marster dat 
is Mefodis', I is Mefodis'. When I is hired out to a mars- 
ter dat is Baptis', I is Baptis', too. De fao is I's whatever 
religion marster is." 

Taking the Census. — A census-taker once called .upon 
the mother of a family in California, and among other 
questions, asked her how many children she had. The mother 
replied that she really could not tell, but there waspne tiling 
of which she was certain— - "that the measles got among the 
children once, but that there was not enongh ef it to go 


No Soul.' — A gentleman who wag so unfortunate as to 
stutter, somewhat thus belaboured a mean neighbor who had 
importnned him out of three cents, balance of account : 

" Tkthey s-say that th-the mmoment any one d-d-dies 
another is b-b-born ; and th-the s-soul of th-the o$e tbat 
d d-dies gog-gog-goes into the one th — that's bom. Now 
wh-when n-n-neighbor S- Smith was b-born no-no-nobody 


Men dying make their wills — but wivts 

Escape a work so sad ; 
Why should they make what all their lives 

The gentle dames have had. 

John Randolph. — Once, after this eccentric Virginian 
had been speaking in Congress, several members arose in 
succession and attacked him. His reply was as prompt as 
it was witty. " Sir," said ho to the Speaker, "I am in the 
condition of old Lear, 

" The little dogs and all 
Tray, Blanche and Sweetheart, 
See, they bark at me." 

Adam laid down and slept, and from his side 

A woman in her magic beauty rose ; 
Dazzled and charmed he called that woman bride, 

And his firnt sleep became his last repose. 


"I'm clear grit," as the grind stone said to the axe. 

"I'll trouble you for your ear," as the knife said to the 

"Give me a shake of your hand," as the ague said to 
th« Wolvereen. 

" You're a book keeper," as the librarian said to ..the 
wan who never returned a book. 


"Off with his head ; so much for bacon luuu^ as the 
butcher said, to the hog, 

"One rod makes an acker" as the boy said when the 
^schoolmaster dusted his back. 


Why i8 Arabia like an argument?' Because it is a 
racy-hossy-naiion, (ratiocination. ) 

Why is an absconding Irishman like the most southern 
portion of South America ? Because he is Pat-a-going- 
Mway, (Patagonia.) 

"Why is an old-fashioned chimney like a swallow ? Be- 
cause it has a crooked Jlew. 

Why is an extravagant wife like the sub-treasury bill? 
Because she has a specie claws. 

When Sir John Falstaff was drunk, why did he rob the 
Churches ? Because he was sack-religious, 


Who says old Shinny's fat ? 

I'm sure it's quite a libel ; 
Week days he lives on broth, 

On Sundays eats his Bible. 


The following scene is taken from the military farce of 
" The Prisoner of Monterey." (Liza is seated at a work 
table, and, while sewing abstractedly, questions Sergeant 
Brusque, her guard, as to his ideas of courtship.) 

Liza. — Sergeant Brusque. 

Brus. — Senorita. 

Liza. — Were you ever in love ? 

Bruz. — Bah ! once Senorita. 

Liza — -You military men are -very strong headed. Let 
me question you a little as to your mode of courtship, for 
I maybe courted some of these days, and I should like to 
have the benefit of your experience, 


(Here Brusque becomes quite uneasy, and i« order to avoid 

the .questions of L:za amuses himself by gQing through 
the manual, Liza speaking while ihe continues her 


_ Liza. — I presume the first thing you do when you wish to 
win the affections of a lady is to draw her — 

Bras. — Attention ! 

Liza.— But suppose she should show you a cold — 

Brus.-— Phoalder — — 

Liza. — You certainly would not geek her — 

Brus.— Arms ! 

Liza. — If Idad would you always give her your — 

Brus. — Support ! - 

Liza.— But you'd have a heavy burden to — 

Brus. — .Carry ! 

Liza. — Ycnr butcher and baker would have to — 

Brus. — Charge ! 

Liza.T— And the bailiff might tap you on the — - 

Brus. — Shoulder ! 

Liza. — Ih that event you'd have to- — 

Brus.— Bi^ht about face ! 

Lf/a.-Ah^hat would'nt do, Sergeant, you must show a bold 

Bras. — Front ! 

Liza.- -What a real blessing is domestic — 

Brus. — Order ! 

Liza. — With a cheerful fireside you can — 

Brus. — Stmd at ease ! 

Liza.— Your wife will require all your — 

Brus. — -Attention ! 

Liza, — For she will lean upon your— 

Brus. — Shoulder ! 

Liza. — And you should always be — 

Brus. — Ready ! 

Liza. — .And her happiness should be your — 

Brus,— Aim ! 

Liza. — If not it had been much better for both parties,, 
had you thrown all your tender epistles into the — 

Brus. — Fire ! (Discharges his gun.) 

Liza. — Heavens, Sergeant, what have you done ? 

Bius,— (Confused) Exploded ! 



Lo ! the poor soldier whose uneasy mind 
Sees foes in every bush, and hears his step behind- ; 
Whose soul stern duty ne'er could teach to stay 
Where bullets whistle — so he ran away. 



How are youj boys. I'm jnat from camp, 

And feel as brave as Caesar ; 
The sonnd of bugle drum, and fife, 

Has raised my Ebenezer. 
I'm full ©f fight — odds, shot and shell! 

I'll leap into the saddle, 
And, when the Yankees see me come, 

Lord, hew they will skedaddle; 

Hold up your head up, Shanghai, Shanks ! 

Don't shake your knees and blink so : 
It is no time now to dodge the act. 

Brave comrades, don't you think so. 

I was a plow boy in the field, 

A gawky, lazy dodger, 
When came the Conscript officer- 

And took me for a sojer. 
He put a musket in my hand, 

And showed me how to fire it : 
I marched and countermarched all day, 

Lord, how I did admire it. 

Hold up- your head, &c. 

With corn and hog fat for my food, 

And digging, guarding, drilling, 
I got as thin as twice skimmed milk. 

And was scarcely worth the killing. 
But now I'm used to homely fare, 

My skin as tough as leather, 
I do guard duty cheerfully : 

In every kind of weather, 

HorJ up your bead, &.e. 

I am brim full of fight, my boys, 

I wvrala not give a thank ye 
For all the smiles the girls can give, 

Until I've killed my Yankee !' 
High private is a glorious rank, 

There \ -,vHe room for promotion : 


I'll get ci eorp'ral^s stripe some day, 
When Fortune's in the notion. 

Hold up your head,- &o 

'lis true I Lave not seen a, fight, 

Nor have 1 smelt gunpowder : 
But then the way I'll pepper Yanks, 

Will be a sin to chowder, 
A sergeant's stripes I soon will sport, 

Perhaps, he color bearer,. 
, And then a Captain — good for me ! 

I'll be a regular fearer. - 

Hold up your head, Ac. 

I'll then begin to wear the stars, 

And then the Wreaths of 'glory, 
Until an army I command, 
t And poets sing my story. 
-Our Congress- will pass votes of thanks, 

To him who rose from-zero : 

The people in a mass will -shout, 

Hurrah, behold the hero ! 

Hold up your heads, &c. 

[Fires Ids gun by accident.] 

What's that? oh dear ! a boiler's burst, 

A gas pips has exploded ! 
Maybe the Yankees are hard by, 

With muskets ready, loaded. 
On, gjillant soldiers, beat them back! 

I'd join you in the frolic, 
But I've a chill from head to foot, 

And symptoms of the choiic ! 

Hold up your head, fcc. 


Sam Bell he was a fisherman 
Of Chesapeake's broad bay; 

f]or clawing crabs ho gained eclat 
By his strange, crabbed way. 

Each day he brought his oysters up 
To market for to sell out, 

A sdiffish man Sam Bell, he was, 

., And people hadt© shell out. 


Sometimes he hauled his net fox fish, 

For scaly were his deeds, 
And Fri-day was the day that he 

Summed up his net proceeds. 
Ho often perch' d upon a reck 

That flounder' d in the sea, 
But once insane himself, his seine 

Brought up a stingaree 

He lov'd a maid— sweet Sully Brown, 

Who kept a satire stall, 
In troubled waters long he fish'd 

Until he made a haul. 
No mincing matters with Miss Brown, 

Love hauls in pleasant weather. 
He went the whole hog in a day, 

And they were link' d together. 

Ales, alas, for stout Sam Bell, 

He found when 'twas too late, 
That he had hook'd a lainpray-eel. 

With soft soap for his bait. 
His grief it was ten fathoms deep, 

He died, 'twas by self slaughter, 
At first ha took to drinking rum, 

And then he took to. water. 

Now, all young men, a !e?son learn, 

Don't cast your net 'mong swine, 
For, wheu a heavy pig gets in, 

'Tis sure to break the twine. 
Be caution' d by the fate of Sam, 

Who in the sea went down, 
He comfort found in getting blue, 

And grief in getting Brown. 

The Time o' Day. — A raw sou of the Emerald Isle, i-iat 
arrived, wore a pair of leather inexpressibles, with Llue 
docked stockings. A dress of such rare antiquity drew the 
attention of a smart, upper crust dandy, who thus accosted 

"My good fellow ; what time is it by your stockings ?" 
" Jist striking one ! " replied the Irishman, giving him 
a rap over the sconce with his shillelah. 

Schisms.— A few years ago, iu the northern part of Wis- 
consin, a preacher of a certain persuasion which denounces 


all associations outside of the Church as utterly uncanonical, 
took for his text the sadly unheeded advice of St. Paul : 
" Let there be no schisms." " Here, brethering," said he, 
"we have the plain word of Scripture against schemes ! It 
knocks on the head the Missionary Scheme; the Bible 
Scheme ; the Tract Scheme ; the Sunday School Scheme ; 
and the Temperance Scheme ; and all such like devices of 
the devil," 

To cheer the widow's heiut in her distress, 
To make provision for the fatherless, 
Is but a christian's duty, and none should 
Kesi&t the heart-appeal of widow Hood. 


"The Harp of a Thousand strings." 

" I may say to you, my brethring, that I am not an 
edecated man, an' I am not one o' them that beleeves ede- 
cation is necessary for a gospel minister, fur I beleeve the 
Lord edecates his preachers jest as he wants 'em to be ede- 
cated, and, although I say't that ought'nt to say it, yet in 
the State of Indianny, whar I live, thar's no man gits a bigger 
congregation nor what I gets. 

There may be some here, to-day, my brethring, hs do not 
know what persuasion I am uv. Well, I may say to you, 
my brethring, that I am a hard-shell Baptist, Thar's some 
folks as dont like the Hard Shell Baptists, but I'd rayther 
kev a hard shell as no shell at all. You see me here, to- 
day, my brethering, dressed up ia fine clothes; you mought 
think I was proud, but I am not proud, my brethering, and 
although I've been a preacher of the gospel for twenty years 
and although I've been captain uv that flat boat that lies at 
yonder landing, I'm not proud, my brethering. 

I'm not gwoin ter tell you edzactly whar my tex may be 
found, suffice it tu say, it's in the leds uv the Bible, and you 
will find it somewhar 'tween the fust chapter uv the book 
of Generation, and the last chapter of the book of Revolu- 
tions, and ef you'll go and search the Scriptures, you'll not 
only find my tex thar, but a great many other texes j as will 


do you good to read, and niy.tex, when you sliill find it you 
shill find it read thus : 

'And he played oa a harp uv a thousand strings, sperits 
uV just men made perfeck.' 

My tex, brethering, lends me to speak hv sperits, Now, 
thar's a great many kisd of sperits ia the world; in the 
fust place, thar's the sperits as some folks calls ghosts ; than 
thar's the sperits uv tarpon-lime; and then thar's the sperits 
us some folks call liquor, and I've got as good artikol uv 
them kind uv sperits on my flat boat as ever was fetched down 
the Mississippi river, but thar'a a great many other kinds 
of sperits, for the tex says, "lie played upon a harp uv a 
thou-Shnd strings, sperits uv just men made perfeck." 

But, I'll tell you the kind uv sperits as is meant by the 
tex ; it's fire. That is the kind uv sperits as is meant by 
tex, my brethering. Now, thar's a great many kinds uv fire 
in the world. In the first place, thar's the common kind of 
fire you light your cigars or pipes with, and then thar's 
camfire, fire before you're ready to fall back, and many other 
kinds uv fire, for the tex says, "Ho played upon a harp uv 
a thousand strings, the sperits uv just men made perfect." 

But, I'll tell you what kind of fire is meant in the tex, 
my brethering, it's hell fire! and that's, the kind uv fire as 
a great many uv you'll come to, ef you dont do better nor 
what you have been doin', for "lie played upon a harp uv 
a thou, sand strings, the sperits uv just men made perfeck." 

Now, the different sorts uv fire in the world may be 
likened unto the different persuasions in the world. In the 
fust place, we have the 'Piscopalians, and they arc a high 
sailin' and highfalutin' set, and they may be likened unto a 
turkey-buzzard, that flies up into the air, and he goes up 
and up till he looks no bigger nor your thumb-nail, and 
the first thing you know, he comes down an' down and is 
fillin' himself on the karkhss of a dead Loss by the sideuv 
the road, and "Re played upon a harp of a thousand 
strings, the sperits uv just men made perfeck." 

And then there's the Mcthodis, and they may be likened 
unto a squirrel runnin' up into a tree, for the Methodia 
believes in gwoin' on from one degree uv grace to another 
and finally on to perfecshun ; and the squirrel goes up 


and up, and he jumps from limb to limb, and branch to 
branch, and the first thing you kuowhe falls, and down he 
cornea kerflummux ! and that's like the Methodis, for they 
is allers a-fallin' from grace, ah ! and "He played o'a a harp 
uva tliou-sund strings, speriti of just men made perfeck." 
And then, my brethering, thar's the Baptist, ah ! and 
they have been likened unto a "possum on a 'simmon tree, 
and the thunders may roll, and the-earth may ^uake^but 
that possom clings thar still, ah ! and you may shake one 
foot loose, and the other's thar ; and you may shake all the 
feet loose, and he laps his tail avoun' the limb, and ha 
clings for ever ; for "He played on a harpuv a ^/wm-sand 
strings, the sperits of just men made perfeck." 

Let us join in a spiritual song — 

Ef you want to make old Satan rtm, 

Play on the golden harp : 
Jest shoot him with the gospel gun, 

Play on the golden harp. 
Play on the golden harp : play on the golden harp ! 

Col. Davip Crockett.— The renowned David Crocket, 
whom some good people of this period believe to be a 
fabulous character— a myth — was a great humorist. When 
he passed through Baltimore, on his return from a tour to 
the North, a number of his admirers invited him to a 
dinner party. At the dinner he was introduced to Colonel 

, a man favored by no means with personal 

beauty, and who, in order to hide the defects of a blind 
eye, wore a pair of green spectacles. After the dinner, 
Crockett, with a party of gentlemen, took a stroll through 
the streets, during which his attention was drawn by the 
gambols of a monkey which, in obedience to his master, 
an organ grinder, performed a number of tricks. ' Jocko," 
said Crockett to the monkey, "yq.u only wani a pair of 
gresn spectacles to make you a perfect counterpart of 

Colonel ." 

The Colonel happened to be standing at Crockett's elbow, 
and the latter feeling himself called upon to make an 
apology, said : 


" Why, Colonel, how d'ye do ? J did'nt see you. % I 
c on't know whether to make an apology to you or to the 
monkey ! " 

The Sublime.— The following lines are extracted from 
an old journal. The lungs of the poet must have 
"bleeted like buttered peas," when he made his lofty flight 
to the realms of the stars : 

I'd love to sit upon the coiner of the moon, 

And inundate the earth with briny tears, 
Or chase a comet with a huge balloon, 

Ami play the organ of the starry spheres, 
I'd love to mount Apollo's fiery car 

And crack my whip along the milky way, 
Until I'd rattled over every star, 

And scoured the regions of perpetual day. 
I'd kick the seven Satellites of Saturn, 

And brush the snow fre in aged H-erschel's brow, 
Proud Mars I'd pummel with a wooden baton, 

And doff my cap to Venus, "How d'ye do ?'' 
I'd love to straddle yon inflated cloud, 

And gallop on before the wings of Borear.- 
I'd tune ray pipes so lustily and lend 

That aged ocean would jig to the chorus. 
I'd roll about among its silvery folds, 

Until Jove's forged thunder rumbled out 
With flashes like- the eyes of common scolds, 

Roaring "slang, bang, boom, what are you about?" 
I'd love to climb a rainbow as a squirrel 

Climbs up a crooked oak, and when I'd tied 
An ignis Jatuus on its top with laurel 

Switches, -I'd travel down the other side ! 
I'd love to sit upon a whirlwind's back, 

And go with whip and spur from pole to pole, 
Until witli puff and snort my speed I'd slack, 

And plunge head foremost into Symmes' Hole ! 

Scene m a Uailhoad Car. — As a military trawl was 
making its way from.Augusta to Atlanta, a certain Major 
in the Quartermaster's Department, produced an elegant 
watch, which he exposed to vhe admiring gaze of a num- 
ber of officers who sat near him. "Gentlemen," said he, 
: 'I paid five hundred dollars for that watch, and dog cheap 
at that." 


A poor soldier who happened to be sitting near, asked 
humbly to bo permitted to look at the watch. He exam- 
ined it closely, and sighing, exclaimed as he -returned it 
to its owner : 

" Five hundred dollars for a watch!" I reckon, sir, 
you're a Quartermaster, no one else could afford to buy 
watches at that price." 

The Major put his watch nap and said nothing. 

The Ship of. Zion. — -An. itinerant preacher who de- 
lighted in distributing tracts among the "ungodly soldiers,' 
recently gathered around hi in a large body of members ©f 
one of the Louisiana regiments, to whom he talked much 
of the "Ship of Zion;" hoyit feT^ta the storms of this 
sinful world, and fougktTraftgood fight uninjured. At 
the end of his homily, a i*w ooned fellow stepped up to 
him and asked the following question: 

"Mister preacher, that must have been a monghty goad 
boat — wa'ct it a regular iron-clad ? " 

Squad. — An Irish conscript haying been found to be too 
awkward, was placed in the "awkward squad," where he 
was all alone by himself. The drill master commenced 
his labors ; 

" Squad ! attention ! ' 

Paddy stood erect, hut looked indignant. 

"Squad! front!" 

He fronted, but being no longer able to smother his 
rage, exclaimed , 

'Look here, mister, my name's Pat Mahoney, and by 
tb.9 mother of Moses, I won't be called " Squad " by any 


Beneath this stone, a lamp of clay, 

Lies Arabella Young ; 
Who on the twenty-first of May 

Began tahoH her tongue. 


Marsh of Mind.—-" Miss, did you see the balloon 
yesterday ? " 

"Yes, I had a synopsis view of it.' : 

" How does the thermometer stand ?" asked a father of 
his college-bred son. 

"It don't stand at all, sir, it hangs," was the ieply. 

"Well, but I mean how high is it"? " 

''Just about five feet from the fl )or." 

"Pooh ! you fool, how does the mercury range ?" 

"Up and down — perpendicular." 

An Irishman having purchased a shawl for his wife, 
found that it made rather too large a bulk for one of his 
pockets, he therefore requested the clerk to wrap it up 
in two picc&s of pap&^ao Jhat he might put it in both 

"A horso is a happy creafurl," said Simon in a melan- 
choly tone, "because he's got no notes to pay to-morrow." 

"Not so happy as you suppose," replied Bob, "for he 
has his checks and drafts to meet." 


Why is a troublesome tooth like murder ? Because 
its aim to kill. 

Why is it like a scolding wife ? Because it makes you 
hold your jam. 

Why is it like Jeff Davis when ealled upon by the 
crowd ? Because it must cqme out. 

What sort of capital punishment do most men suffer 
daily ? The want of funds. 

Why should an umbrella never be loaned ? Because it 
is expected that every gentleman will follow the morals of 
society by stealing one wherever he finds it. 

Why are tailors the laziest men ? Because they always 
set down to work, and seam so pressed to get through 
with it. 

Why are butchers never consumptive ? Because they 
are so often picking up, and seldom lose flesh. 


Why is a pretty foot and ankle like one of Shakespave's 
comedies ? Because its "all well that ends well." 

What is the best proof of a woman's insanity ? To sec 
her admire another woman more than herself. 

Why has old Abe been too liberal to Gen. Rosecrans ? 
Because he has Granted him more than he desired. 

What's the most accumulative capital a man can have ? 
A capital wife* 

What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled 
from Eden 1 They raised Cain. 

Why are shoemakers the most endurable of mechanics ? 
Because they wajc stronger as their work beoomes heavier. 

What should be the cheapest vegetable in the Richmond 
market? Turnips. Why? Because nearly every man 
you meet has one in his pocket, and many a lady carries 
one on her face. 

Why may the ladies be considered as opposed to total 
abstinence ? Because they are addicted to their glasses. 

Anecd»te of Ge«n. Early. — Punch was told this an- 
ecdote of the gallant General. 

During the recent fight on the Rappahannock, he saw a 
man rushing past him. 

" Where are you going ?" cried the General. 

"To the rear," replied the man. ,* "I am a non-combat- 

"Who are you V demanded the General. 

"I am a chaplain," replied the runner, 

"Well," said the General, "here is consistency ! For 
twenty years you have been wanting to get to heaven, and 
sow that there is a chance, you run away from it." 

Anecdote of General Wise, — A soldier of the "Wise 
Brigade," relates to Punch, the following amusing anecdote 
of his gallant coommandcr. 

During the battles around Richmond, (ion. Wise was 
ordered to take a position just outside a fence which en- 

20 Till-; CAMP JE.-TJiil 

closed a tract of laud, that gradually rose until it attained 
a considerable elevation. 

"While the soldiers of the Brigade were eagerly watching 
an opportunity to distinguish themselves, one of the Gen- 
erals' aids rode up and said : "General, I see a battery en 
yon distant hill. The enemy must be there in considerable 

Looking jteadily, lor sometime, through the mist which 
enveloped the hill, the General discerned ail object which 
he concluded was a battery. Riding along the line, and 
rising in his stirrups, he made one of those electrifying 
little speeches to the Brigade for which he is so celebra- 

"Boys," said he in conclusion, "the Yankees have 
planted a battery on yonder hill. They must be dislodged, 
Right shoulder 'shift J' Over the fence ! Give 'em h — 11, 
G_d d— m 'em !" 

Over the fence, and up the hill, rushed the Brigade. The 
disappointment can be better imagined than described, 
when the so-thought battery turned out to be a liay-stack ! 

It is unnecessary to say that there was some tall pro- 
fanity, over which the recording angel dropped a ttar. 

Advice Thrown Away,— "John, my young friend, do 
mend your conduct. You are in a fair way to bring your 
poor old father's gray hairs in sorrow to the grave." 

"That's impossible, the old chap wears a wig." 

Tit for Tat. — Jones eays Smith is loose in his habits 
Smith says that Jones is always tight in his. 

Miss Simpleton, recently fainted upon being told that 
her betrothed had several engagements since the war 

"Jimmy what do you think; old granddad is ninety 
years old to-day." "Pshaw, that's northing, — if my grand- 
dad had lived till now, he would have been much older." 



John Morgan is as good at playing a joke sometimes as 
he is at horsc-stcaliug, and the following incident will 
prove that on this occasion he did a little of both at the 
same time During his celebrated tour through Indiana 
he, with about three hundred and fifty guerillas, took oc- 
casion to pay ajvisit to a little town hard by, while the 
main body were 'marching on.' Dashing suddenly into 
the little 'burg,' he found about three hundred home 
guards, each having a good horse tied to the fences — the 
men standing about in groups, awaiting orders from their 
aged caYtaap, who looked as if he had seen the shady side 
of soine|ixtyjjj T £ars. The Hoosicr boys looked at the men 
with ast'onishmcu/^B-hile the captain went up to one of the 
party and asked : •• I * <* 

"Whose company iff tliiaj'V 

"Wolford's cavalry," said Jibe rcb. 

"What f Kentucky boys ! We're glad to see you bo\ s ? 
Whar's Wolford ?" 

"There he sits," said a ragged, rough rebel, pointing to 
Morgan, who was sitting sideways upon his horse. 

The Captain walked up to Wolford , (as he and all 
thought) and saluted him : 

"Captain, how arc you ?" 

"JJully ! How are you V What arc you going to do' 
with all these men and horses: ?" Morgan looked about. 

"Well, you f-ec that damned horse thieving John Morgan 
is in this part of the country with a parcel of cut-throats and 
thieves, ar,d between you and I, if he comes up this way 
Captain, we'll give him the best we've got in the shop." 

"He's hard to catch, we've been after him for fourteen 
days and can't sec him at all," said Morgan good humor- 

"Ef our bosses would stand fire we'd be all ria;ht." 

'Won't they stand ?" 

"No, Captain Wolford ; 'sposc while you re restin' you 
and your company put your saddles on our horses and go 
through a little evolution or two, by way of a lesson to our 
boys. I am told you are a hoss on the drill." 

And the only-man that Morgan is afraid of, Wolford (as 


it were,) alighted and ordered* "his boys 1 ' to dismount, as 
he wanted to show the IToosier boys how to_gire Morgan a 
warm reception should he chance to -pay them a visit. 
This delighted the hoosier boys, so they went to work and 
assisted the men to tie their old weary, worn out bones to 
the fences, and place their saddles upon the backs of their 
fresh horse?, which was soon 4one, and the men were in 
their saddles drawn up in, lint and ready for the word. 
The boys' were highly elated at the idea of having their pet 
horses," trained for them by Wolford and his men, and the 
more so to think that they would standi fire ever afterwards. 

The old Captain.advanced, and walking up te|J^lfoi'% 
(•as bethought,) said ; "Captain, are youalWighf now .?*' 
Wolford rode up one side of the colu^rand dlwn the 
other, when he moved to i(J*<f fronts tjljvMf his hat, paused 
acd said.' "Now, Captain, 1/lun f ^my ; if you and your 
gallant men wish to witd^sjlm evolution which you 
perhaps have never seen, form a line on each side of the 
road, and watch us closely as we pass." The Captain did 
ns he was directed. A lot of ladies were present on the 
occasion, and all was as silent as a maiden's sigh. 

"Are you ready '?" 

"All right, Wolford," shouted the Captain. 

"Forward-!" shouted Morgan, as the whole column 
rushed through the crowd with lightning speed, amid the 
shouts and huzzas bf every one present-rsome leading a 
horse or two as they went, leaving their frail tenements of 
horse flesh tied to the fences, to be provided for by the 
citizens. It soon- became whispered about that it was 
John Morgan and his gang, and there is not a man in the 
town who wi!I "own up" that he was gulled out of a horse. 
The company disbanded that night, though the Captain 
holds the horses as prisoners of war, arid awaits an ex- 


Freddy is less than four years old. His sister, who is 
not quite a year old, was setting in her father's lap crying 
and fretting for her mother, who had pone out, when 


The following ist, a sailor's description of a danc 
"Haven't had any fun with the land lubbers till Thursday 
night at a dance. When I, arrived in tho cabin I found 
them under headway of a Spanish-dance. Took my station 
Jn line with Suke Tucker — fell back and filled, then shot 
ahead two* fathoms -—hauled up oa tho starboard taek to let 
aadthW craft pass, and thea came stern on another sail— 
ppoke- her, and than bore round against the sun and fell in 
with another sail in full chaee. Passed twenty sail on 
same course, and wheS -half way across to the other shore, 
dropped astern, fell back — could'nt fill, so let go anchor 
and hauled up for repairs." 

JtlAiniiOAD Dialogue -—"Hallo, usrauger, you appear 10 
b* traveling V" 

"Yes, I generally do when I'm on a journey." 

' you going down South very far ?" 

"Yes, or a "shorter distance." 

"Havn't I seen yi>n somewhere V 

"Perhaps you have — I've bsen there quite often." 
"Mightn't'your name lie Brown ?" 

"Yes, that or some other.'' 

"Have you been long in Virginia ?" 

"Yes, a pretty good length — about six feet." 

"Were you born in the Confederacy ?" 

"I don't recollect, but if-I was no.*,- 1 wag born some 
where else." 

"-Do you expect to stay down South long ?" 

'.'No longer than it suits me." 

"I suppose you've get plenty of money ?" 

■"Well, I could carry in ore, if I had,iw" 

"Are you in favor of recognition by Napolesn ?" 

"Were he to recognize nie,I should return his salutation." 

"Do you take«nuff?" 

' k Yes, I am considered up to snuff." 

"Do you chew tobacco ?■" 

f'Not often, but I carry a piece ta stop inquisitive 
man ths with." 

(Hands piece ef tobanco.) 
"Thank you, I'm dose tulking.'* 



A Matter .of Pact. — "My dear friend, I'm glad to see 
you on your feet once more. Providence alone brought 
you out of your illness !" 

"Well, I can't say as to that. I suppose I' shall have 
to thank Providence for my narrow escape ; but I know I 
shall have to pay the doe-tor." 

"Sweet arc the uses of adversity," says Shakspeare; hut 
the following colloquy does'nt '"make the proposition 
good :" 

"Ah, Sam, so you' are in trouble, eh ?" 

"Yes, Jem, yes^ I am? 

"Well, well, never mind; cheer up,, man — cheer up. 
Adversity tries us, and shows up our better qualities,." 

■'Ah, but adversity didn't try me ; it was a country 
Judge, and he showed up my moral qualities." 

This argument was a non srquitur ; and in this case, at 
least, "the greater the thief, the greater the argument.' 


A Hard CuEttENCY.— "Sirakins, don't you wish tie 
next Congress will do something to establish a hard cur- 
rency among us ?" 

"Why as to that, it is thought by many that the cur- 
rency is hard enough already, but for my part, I think it 
hard enough to get !" 

Scene jn a Dentist's Offjce. — A male representative 
from the Emerald Isle enters hat in hand, with; — 

"The top of the morning to ye, sir ; an' I've got a bad 
tooth, an' the devil a bit o' comfort can I get short of a 
bottle of brandy, en' I've got one of Father Ma Why's 
medals to keep me from- all such evil spirits, shure. Now, 
sir, what'll ye be asin' to pull me a tooth ?" 

"Half a dollar," says the doctor. 

"Well," says Pat, "what'll you pull two teeth for ?". 

"O," replied the doctor, "I won't charge you anything 
for pulling the second one." 

Pat seated himself, to mud up his mug, and the doctor 
took a peep at his grinders, and with a little assistance 
from Pat, soon found wkieh were the ones he wanted out '. 
. gays Pat-—- 


"Thi* is the first one, and tliat is the second on©. Plaize 
pull the second one first." 

"Very well," replied the doetor, "any way to get them 
out," and he pulled. * 

Before he had time to fix the instrument for the other 
tooth — the first one — Pat had got out of the chair and was 
edging towards the door. 

"I guess doctor, I won't bars the first toeth pulled till 
it aches, and you told me you would pult the second one 
for nothing." 

Pat mizzled, and the doctor pocketed the joke instead 
of the fee. 

Got the Boots. — While Longstreet's corps was passing 
through Columbia, a soldier utepped into a store and 
called for a pair of boots. A pair was handed out and the 
price demanded. ' 

''Sixty dollars," said the merchant. 

"Mighty high," replied the soldier. 

"Tell me ©f anything that is not high," responded the 
merchant, ''and I will make you a present of the boots." 

"Soldiers' Wages, sir," promptly replied the soldier. 

''Take the boots," said the merchant, and the soldier 
marched off with them, leaving the merchant quite con- 
vinced tkat "the boot was on the right foot." 

Mirabeau thus wrote to a young lady who had fallen in 
love with his genius,, and wished to know hoir he looked : 

"Fancy his satanic majesty, after having had the small 
pox — and such _am»I." 

There is one redeeming trait about lazy people and that 
is, they are always good-natured. Show us a man whe 
slesps eight hours out of twelve, and we will show you an 
individual who will not swear. The only folks who lose 
tkeir tempers and "take on" are yeur smart, enterprising 
fellows, who got up "corners" on slacks. 


"Jinks" says a pretty weman is like a lock, because she 
is a thing to a door (adore.) Heavy for "Jinks !" 

We can see no reason in the world why the capital of 
Ireland should not increase, since it is always — Dublin. 

A pickpocket, who had been ducked for his malpracti- 
ces, accounted to his brethren for the derangement in his 
appearance, by coolly observing that he had not been able 
to change his dress since his return from a celebrated 

watering place. 


* •*' 

Artemas Ward sends a circular to the Boston Post 
which is as luminous, if not as voluminous, as those, of the 
immortal Fry : 

Circular No. 78.— As the undersigned has been led to 
fear that the law regulating the draft, was not wholly un- 
derstood, notwithstanding the numerous explanatory cir- 
culars that have been issued from the national capital of 
late, he hereby issues a circular of his own ; and if he shall 
succeed in making" his favorite measures more char to a 
discerning public, he will fesl that he has not lived in vain; 

1. A young man who is drafted and inadvertently goes 
to Canada, where he becomes embroiled with a robust 
English party, who knocks him around so as to disable him 
for life, the same occuring in a licensed bar room on British 
soil, such young man cannot receive a pension on account 
of said injuries from the United States Government, nor 
can bis heirs'or creditors. 

2. No drafted men, in going to the appointed rendez- 
vous, will be permitted to go round by way of Canada on 
account of the roads being better that way or because his 
"uncle William" lives there. 

3. Any gentleman living in. Ireland, who was never in 
this country, is not liable to the draft, nor are our fore- 
fathers. This latter statement is mTide for the benefit ^f 
those enrolling officers who have acted on the supposition 


that the'abrebodicd male population of a place included 
dead gentlemen in the cemeteries. 

4. The term of enjistment is for three years, but any 
man who may have been drafted i» two pluses has & right 
to go for six years, whether the war last that length of time 
or not, a right this department hopes he will insist on. 

5. The only sob of a poor widow, whose husband is in 
California, is not exempt, but the rnaa who owns stock in 
the Vermont Central Railroad is. So, also, are incessant 
lunatics; habitual lecturers, persons who are born with 
wooden legs or false. teeth. Blind men, (unless they will 
acknowledge that they "can sec it,") and people who delib- 
erately retcd for Jdm Tyler. A. Ward. 

Put that Impudent Fellow Out.— -While the 1 congre- 
gation were collecting at church, on a "certain occasion, an 
obi lark, a,bard featured, skinandbono individual, waa seen 
wending his way up She aisle, taking his seat near the 
pulpit. The officiating minister was one of those whe de- 
tested written sermons, and as for prayers, he thought that 
they ought to fee natural outpourings of the heart. After 
the singing was concluded, the house as usual, was called 
to prayer. The genius we have introduced did not kneel, 
but leaned his head devotionally on the back of the pew. 
The minister began by saying; 

"Father of all, in every age, by saint and savage adored," 
— "Pope,,'" said a low, but clear voice ; continued, "whose 
throne sitteth on the adamantine hills of Paradise," — "Mil- 
/o'«," again interrupted' the voice. The minister's lips 
quivered for a moment, but recovering himself, began, "we 
thank thee most gracious Fatter, that we are permitted to 
assemble once more in thy name, whiL others equally 
meritorious but less favored, have been carried beyond that 
bourne from which no traveler returns," — "Shakespeare," 
interrupted the voice. This was too much ; "put that im- 
pudent rascal out," shouted the minister. "Original" 
ejaculated the voice, in the same calm but provoking man- 


An Astonished Ethiopian; — Ameng the humorous in- 
cidents recited to Punch, connected with the capture ef 
New Orleans, is the. follewing : 

Just before General Lovel), in company -with an aid, is 
reported to hav© turne.1 the head of his horse toward the 
Yankee gunboats steaming up the Old. Father of Waters, 
and exclaimed with a classical burst ( f despair, "Well, 
the jig's up I" great preparations were made to give the 
enemy a warm reception on the famous field of Chalssette. 

The historic field was, however, abandoned, bat sot 
before the Yankee gunboats distributed a few shells over its 

Amosg the last to retire was tha yypisf f'efcorter of the 
Daily Delta, Major MeKnijdit f Ae#er katown as "Asa 
Hartz," who had witb/jrim a "bpfjf servant, named Sam, by 
no means a waripfe1k>4? r J«aii|of #he King of Dahomey. 

Presently, a shcVl steaming through the air, burst .with- 
in a hundred ysrdSfjbfSafa, fortunately doing no damage. 

Sam had never j/eard nor seen one of the streamers, and 
the explosion caused him to dip low and his eyes to grow 
unusually big. 

Cautiously approaching an oblong piece of the explod- 
ed shell, rough on one side, smooth on the other, Sam 
picked it up, cariously surveying the latter side. 

"Yv T hat do you think of it, Sam ?" inquired the Major. 

"Great King, Massa George ! who ebber seed de likes 
before ! Dey's shootin smootfiin irons at us /" 

Accusation and Acquittal, — A person looking over 
the catalogue of professional gentlemen of tha bar, with 
his pencil wrote against the name of one who is of the 
bustling order : 

''•Has been accused ©f possessing talents." 
Another, seeing the accusation, immediately wrote 
under the charge : 

"Has been tried and acquitted." 

"Mr. Snowball, I want to ask you one question, dis 

"Well, succed, den." 

"S'pose ysu go to the tabbern to get dinner, and don't 


hab nofttn on do table bub a big beet, what should you 
gay ?'' - 

"I gib dat up afore you as it. What should you gay ?" 
"Why, undor do circumstances ob do case, I should say,. 
lint, beefs, all ! 

• A schoolmaster in Ohio advertises that he will 

ko«p a Sunday sehool twi-e a week, Tuesdays and Satur- 

Major. Downing'b Views on FjGiiTiNG.-^-IIere is wLat 
tha celebrated M'ajor Jack ©owning said several years ago, 
'on the subject of fighting. True as preaching, isn't it? 
"In the matter of fighting, there is one thing I always keep 
my eyes on, and 1 found Gen. Jaekson of the same way of 
thinking, and that is, to depend less on folks who say they 
ar« ready to shed the last drop of their blood, than on folks 
who .are ready to shed the first, drop. Give a man eight 
dollars a day to naakc speeches in Qrmgress, with the right 
of free postage, and you hear enough of last drop matters ; 
Avhcn it conies to camp. duty, then the first drop folks hav« 
to stand the rack at eight dollars a mouth ! 

Anti-Connubial. — The following v^sea were written by 
a distressed husband, who cheated his wife, in uniting the 
praises of matrimony, by so. arranging the lines that, to get 
at the sentiment of the writer, we must alternate them — 
rcftding the/t'rs* and third, -then the second and fourth. 

That in mi must lead, a happy life, 
Who is (liredOH !>y a wil'v, 
Who's freed from matrimonial claims 
Is sure to sniffer for his pains. 
Adam could find no solid peace 
Till, lie beheld a woman's face, 
When Eve was give» for a mate 
Adam was iy a happy state. 
In all the female race appeal- 
Truth, darling of a heart sincere, 
Hypocrisy ; deceit, >utd pride 
In woman never did reside. 
What tongue is ablp to unfold 
The worth of woman we behold ? 
The failings that in woman dwell 


Arc utmost imperceptible. 
Coiif'usicn take the men, I say, 
Who no regard to women p;iy. 
Who mnlui the women their diliglit 
Keep reason always in their sight. 

Coming down from Chattanooga on the- Western and 
Atlantic train a few days ago, the passengers wore consult- 
ing Hill & S.vayze's Rail-Road Grade, arid discussing the 
subject of Hotels iu Atlanta, and f electing which they 
should stop at ; 

"Let's go to McGinleyV, he's one of the old brother- 
hoed of Know-Nothings." 

"Oh," said another. "I. shall stop at Sasgeen'*, he 
knoios little enough for me !" 

A Youcg lawyer was asked by a judge, whether, in the 
transmigration of souls, he would prefer being turned into 
a horse or an a?s ? t 

"An ass," quickly replied the lawyer. 

'Why ? asked the judge. 

"Because I have heard of an ass being a judge, but never 
a horse." 

"Why is it" asked *a Yankee of a Rebel, "thatyeu Rebels 
arc always fighting for Liberty, while wc Federals only 
fight for honor ?" 

"I suppose," said the Rebel, "that each are figbting for 
what they most lack." 

. Negro Preaching Dqw.n'"Soutfi. — A paper says many 
ludicrous chapters might be written on the scenes that are 
of every day occurrence in churches where the congrega- 
tions" are all negroes, and the preachers are untaught and 
unsophisticated Ethiopes. 

In New Orleans, just before the war broke out, having 
heard that a revival was coing on in the 5'ourth District 
African Church, I attended. 

In company with a friend I entered the church, and the 
seat nearest the door being vacant, we quietly occupied it. 
Preaching had already commenced, and we did not learn 


what portion of scripture the revered minister had select- 
ed as a text. The Holy Book was spread out before him, 
though it was evident that he did not know how to read, 
but depended altogether on his memory for his scriptural 
quotations and references, most of which were so horribly 
mixed up and garbled as to render ifc difficult to decide 
what particular scripture he was trying to recite. 

Whenever he mentioned the Saviour, he used the ex- 
pression "Massa Jesus ;" but when he referred to one e-f 
the disciples he spoke of him as "Brudder Peter," "Brudder 
Matthew," &c. 

In the course of his sermon, he related the following, 
which he said could be found "In de third book of Brudder 
Matthew, on de right hand side ob do page''.- 

"Den, when de people all up dar on de top ob de moun- 
tain, Massa Jesus tell Brudder Peter to go down to de rib- 
ber an catch a fish. Now Brudder Peter had no bate ; 
but he had faith in de Lord — dat what he hab. An now 
you see a part ob de miracalus. He go down and frow in 
do line, nn de hook no soonor touch de water dan he hab a 
bite, an he pull out a great big shad. Den he take de shad 
up to Massa Jesus, an Massa Jesus pull out his knife au 
cut de shad open an take out a piecs ob money ; an he say 
to Brudder Peter, whose hod am dis on dis penny ? An 
Brudder Peter answer an say unto him, dat am Caesar's 
bed. Den he say, gib unto Caesar de things dat am 
Ceasar's. So, ob course, Peter go an gib de penny to 
Caesar. But he take de shad a» feed de great multitude ; 
an dey gather up do fragments; more dan enuf for dar sup- 
per au breakfast next morning. Par, my brudders and 
sisters, you see de hole ob do miracalus 1" 

The sermon beisg ended, the congregation struck up the 
hymn commencing 

"0, for a mansion in the sky." 
They sung the hymn in different voices. For instance 
when those who led off had pang the words, "0, for a 
man — " other voices would commence at the first, while the 
first voices would keep on v The third line of the verse 

•'iend down salvation I'luai on high," 


and a few moments after they commenced, one-half of the 
congregation were crying at the top of their voices "0, for 
a man," while the other half were chiming in. equally loud, 
"Send down sal"! 

Confusion was worse confounded, and yoar correspon- 
dent and his friend left, almost splitting our sides with 

"How rapidly they build houses now, where they build 
at all," said Robinson, to aa old acquaintanee, as he point- 
ed to a two story kcuse in the suburbs of Atlanta. They 
commenced that building only last week and they are 
already putting in the lights," 

"Yes" rejoined his frieitd, and next week they will pat 
in the liver. 


Well, here lam in the chimney corner darning stoek- 
inga I Plcasaat occupation for my birth-day, truly 
Twentj-nioe years ago since I came into the world. But 
it won't do to let that be known ; I told Miss Snap te-day 
that I was twenty-three — I didn't tell her how much older 
I was ! — she said indeed ! in a very emphatic tone, as if 
she did'nfc believa it ; and then the wreteh had the impu- 
dence t© tell me that I had six months the advantage of 
her. She's thirty if she's a day ! it's strange how sonue 
peopla will lie ! If I'd lost all my front tseth and was 
obliged to wear false curls, I would'nt try to pass- myself 
off for twenty-two. 

I wonder whether I was always Cut out far an old maid ! 
Not but I'd rather be an old maid ten times over thaa 
marry some folks. There's Sally Baap ! I verily believe 
she'd give up allchanci of a scat in the kingdom of Heaven, 
if she could get an offer from John Smith, tke wood-sawyer, 
and be glad of the chance ! It's strange what some people 
would bs willing to do for the sake of a husband ! for my 
part, I would'nt take John Smith if he'd go down on his 
kness before mo, and threaten t-> shoot himself if I didn't. 

Heigh ho ! its rathar dismal sitting here alone in the 
evening, with nothing but a cat to ket-p you company. To 


be sure it's better than to have jour life worried out of you 
by a parcel of ohildreu, with a brute of a husband, thai- 
will storm like a house a fire, if a button happens to c»mc 
off his shirt aad you don't sew it ou directly. Heaven 
preserve me from such a fate ! 

Hark, there's the bell ! Goodaess gracious ! if it isn't 
John Smith himsalf, and I've got my morning dress on, aad 
my hair isn't combed. I wonder what he wants ? What 
if be has eoaie" to make mcm offer ! I think, an the whole, 
if he should that I would take compassion ou him — just to 
spite Miss Snap. Would not hhe feel like tearing my 
eyes out — that's all. 


Why are the Confederate rams, unfit for the opening of 
the 'blockade ? Because seized by Russell, they hare 
drifted to seaward (Seward.) 

Why i« it that the Yankees in Tennessee are always 
overreaehed ? Because they have some one to cheat 'cm 

When is a p»ir of hoists well matched 7 When one is 
willing to do all the work and the other is willing he 

What letter in tke alphabet is the most disagreeable one 
to 4n old maid '? Letter B. 

Why are some wsmen like horses ? Because the gayer 
their harness is, the better they feel. 

Pnneh met a friend anxiously looking for "concentrated 
lye." Strange that ho did not see the Yankee dispatches. 

Biddy says the best way to make iced cakes, is to bake 
them in a freezing oven. 

It is all nonssnse to suppose that money can't buy happi- 
ness ; any man who has money can keep in good spirit^ if 
he wants to, as thore is a plenty in town. 

Why should a dealer in "bivalves" be usually serifl'.is 
Because ho is an austere man. (Oyster man ) 


When is a man not himself '.' "When he is an ape of 
somebody else. 

Y/hy are henpecked husbands like crinoline ? Because 
they are continually under petticoat rule ! 

Why are our farmers the mo't intemperate depreciators 
of Confederate currency ? Because they keep well com-ei, 
snd are stupid enough to think the money not "as good as 

Why is an extortioner like a sculptor ? _ Because it is his 
business to "chisel" 

Why are siege guns like tailors ? Because they make 
breaches. * 

Why are troubles like babies ? Because they grow by 

Why may women bo called the harder sex ? Because 
they were formed of bone, and are very often stoue,j heart- 

Why is an occupied .like nn expensive piece ef 
goods ? Because it is sat-in. 

Wit.— Wit, like every power has its boundaries. Its 
success depends upen the aptitude of others to receive 
impressions, and as some bodies, indissoluble by. heat, sail 
set the furnace and erRcibie at defiance, th»re are minds 
at whieh (he rays of fancy may be pointed without ©fleet, 
and which no fire of sentiment can agitate or sxalt. — 

The following equivocal notice i-J said to swing out on a 
sign-board, somewhere in the.Westcru country ; "Smith oc 
Huggs — Select School --Smith teaches the boys, and .lluyias 
the girls." 

What ©lass of mechanics are the most regular in their 
business? The carpenters, because they live mostly by 


Why is dancing au intoxicating exercise? Because 
before wo get through with it, we generally find ourselves 

Why is ike town bell a great tattler ? Because it makes 
known all it is tolled. * 

•When is a bank like a toper ? When it goes on a burst. 

Why ure bar keepers lika mosquitoes? Beeausc they 
take their nips, free of charge. 

Why J3 a man who vaeatea a house and cheats his land- 
lord, like an officer in tlio army ? Because he is a left- 

Why may a poor doctor »e said to bo more lucky than 
a rich mechanic ? Because he never has any of hia bud 
work turned on his hands. 

Why are gloves the most unsaleable of all articles ? 
Because there arc more of them oa hand than any other 

Why should North Carolina have the darkest nigkts V 
Because it is so very pitchy. 

What ssrt of drums are the stirring? Kfcttl 

What sort arc the most indelicate? Bass drums. 

What sort arc the most borish ? Humdrums. 

What Eort are the most amusing ? (jon-un-drums. 

What'« tke difference between a suit of clothes and a 
law suit ? One provides us v/ith pockets, the other empties 

Why was A.dam an actor ? Because ho was the laadin* 

Why may the present war be compared to a lottery full 
of prizes? Because every man who takes a chanee ia it 
will certaialy draw a sight, a sivord, or his rations. 

Just So.— Who is that glittering officer whom I have seen 
every tima I catno to Richmond, and who is so devoted to 


the fair sex and te mint juleps, inquired a veteran of a 
citizen ? 

''Why he is on parole," was the reply. 

"Well," gaid the veteran, "I suppose be must be on a 
pay ro/l, judging from appearances." 

Litekaky CciUosity. — Looking over an old hook, one 
sometimes comes suddenly upon a rare production. The 
following iugesiously eonstruoted line is familiar to the 
antiquarian, and perhaps to other*; hut few know this, it 
is from the works »f John Tayler, the Water Peet. Thus 
it runs : 

" Lowd did I lire, evil did I dwell." 

''This," observes Taylor, "is the tame baekwardg as 

forwards, and I will give any man five shillinga who will 

produce another line equal to it." 
That would be rather a difficult task. 
Our "devil," however, is after the (killings ; 

Hannah did live, evil did Hannah. 

Why is a Yankee dispatch like the product of ashes ? 
Because it is the essence of ley. 

Wool has been placed on the retired list by Lincoln. 
This article was discarded before the war. 

Why is Vallandigham like a disconsolate lover ? Be- 
cause he continually sighs O-ki-o. 

A yankee «ditor speakiDg of the rule'of Butler the Beast 
in Kew Orleans, says that he was drawn there because 
of his capacity to manage rebels. If we eatch him, he will 
be quartered here. 

Why is a wee drink of the ardent going down the threat 
of the Irish renegade, General Meagher, iike the falling of 
the top of Vesuvius ? Because it is a drop of tkc trolvr. 

A {Safe Conjecture. -^-The Mareehal d'Etrees, aged one 


hundred and three, beard of the death of the Duke de 
Trcs»e, at the age of ninety-three. 'T am verj sorry for 
it," said the Mareehal, "but not surpriaed, he iras a peor, 
worn out creature, I always said the man eouid nerer live 

"While Governor S w»9 President ef the University 

ef North Carolina, walking on the Campus one day, he 
observed an aulawful assemblage of students. He pro- 
ceeded towards thorn with his head down, his eyos fixed 
on the tip of his shoes, as was his wont. In the meantime 
all but one of the students left, and by the time the Gov- 
ernor reached the place of assembly they were no where to 
be seen. He lifted his eyes upon the plaea whore the 
boys ought to have been, or rather where they ought not 
to have been, and issued the following singular order to 
the siftgle student left ; 

"Sir, instaatly dispense to your ssveral places of abode. ' 

Foote was aequitted from a certain charge pre-ferred 
against him by the instigation of the Duchess of Kingston, 
by proving an alibi. Wh?» the trial was concluded, aud 
the perjury evident, Lord Mansfield observed: "This u a 
very providential alibi; it ha* baffled the most infamous 
conspiracy ever set oa Foot.'" 

An Arkansas ex- Judge and great orator, said once in a 
murder ease ; ".For was net Mosei, tie strongest ofnmii , 
.struek dead by a thunder bolt from the hand of Sampson 
on the top of Mount Tabor, for slayingan Egyptian at the 
foot of the pyramid of Cyruj, King of Athens." 

Recently a man was digging some worms far my birds. 
A bright eyed, golden haired, thres year old pet of his was 
standing by. Maggie watched the little ercepers tryiug to 
escape from the basin into the ground, whe-s she suddenly 
exclaimed : 

"Oh, just look ! they want to go to their mother. " 
He told her he did not know they had a mother. She im- 
mediately replied : 


"The earth's their mother." 

And she was right. They were earth-worms. 

Old Squire Jack, as he was familiarly called, was for 
many yaars a Justies of the Peace hi -, and in addi- 
tion to issuing warrants and executions, was frequently 
called upon to perform the marriaga ceremony. 

Oae bitter cold winter night, about twelve o'clock, he 
was aroused frem his sleep by a knock at the door. In no 
Yery amiable mood he jumped from hi3 warm bed, and 
throwing up the window, eall»d out, 

"Who's there .?" 

"Holloa, squire !" was the reply, V we want to get 

" You're one, and now be off with you !" roared the 
Squire, and bringing down the window with a crash, he 
hopped into bed again. 

" They are living man and wife to this day," the Squire 
always added, whea he told the story. 

Sergeant K — having made two or three mistakes 

while conducting a cause, petulantly exclaimed, "I seem to 
be inoculated with dullness to-day." "Inoculated, brethar" 
said Erikine, " I thought you had it ia the natural way." 

Com plaint having besn .resently made in a Yorkshira 
hospital, that an old Hibernian would not submit to pre- 
seribed remedies, one of the eomrnittee proceeded to expos- 
tulate with him, when he defended himself by exclaiming, 
"S*re, your honor, was'nt it a blister th«y wantad to put 
on my back? and I only tould 'cm it was altogether im- 
possible, for I've such a mighty dislike to them blisters 
that put 'em where you will, they arc sure to go agia my 

Mathew's attendant, in his last illness, administered to 
the patient some medieiue; but a few moments after, it w&$ 
discovered that the, medicine was nothing but ink, which 


had been taken from the vial by mistake, and his friend 

exclaimed ; 

"Good heavens, Matthews, I have given you ink." 
"Nevor mind, my boy, never mind," said Matthews, 

faintly, "I'll swallow a bit of blotting paper." 

'The Grand Jury in the Criminal Court of Baltimore 
City not long since, had quite a dispute with Judge Bond, 
and a good deal of bickering among themselves. Thoy 
were finally reminded by the Judge that it was highly im- 
proper for them to publicly disclose what had transpired 
in their room, and requested them to retire. Whereupon 

Bob B • — remarked, ''The whole proceeding was what 

might be. properly classed as a ra«y specimen- of Grand 
Juri/s prudence (jurisprudence.) 

The same Bob B , on learning of a fight that had 

taken place between two members of the bar, in which an 
umbrella, thrown up by one of the combatants to fend oft' the 
blows of the other, suffered most, said, "He had'nt much 
sympathy for either of the parties, but he felt for the um- 

"Why so,*' said a by-stander. 

"Because it was under a reign of terror." 

Sully, the painter, was a man distinguished for refinement 
of manners, as well as his success in art. At a party one 
«vening, Sully was speaking of a belle who was a great 

'^Ah," says Sully, "she has a mouth like an elephant." 
"Oh ! oh ! Mr. Sully, how can you be so rude ?" 
"Rude, ladies, what do you mean? I say she's got a 
m»uth like an elephant, because it is full of ivory." 

A person ju*ked a Grecian philosopher^what he thought 
was th« proper time to dine. 

"Sir," said the ancient, "the proper time for dinner with 
the opuknt is when they choose; with the poor man when 
he can." 


The following specimen of the jeud'espril, -Quvieut about 
1805, may be worth preservation : 

Says Boney to Johnny, "We're crossing to Dover.'' 
Says Johnny to Boney, "Wo can't let. you comc. : ' 
Says Boney to Johnny, ''What if I come over." 
Says Johnny to Boney, "You'll be overcome." 

"Can I show you anything more to- play, sir ?" asked the 
civil gentleman, behind tiro counter of his worthy customer. 
"Yes sir," was the reply, "will you be good enough to 
show m« the silk umbrella I left here three weeks ago. ' 

"There's no humbug about these sardines," said Brown 
as he helped himself to a third plateful from a newly opened 
box, "they arc the genuine article, and came all the way 
from the Mcditcrancan." "Yes," replied his economical 
wife, "and if you will only control your appetite, they will 
go a great dud jurlhrr" Brown did not ask for any 

Too Many Pole*. — Some years ago we attended a 
camp meeting in Fairfax county, Va. While w«? were 
sitting one afternoon in the tent of our friend, old Squire 
Briggs, chatting agreeably with his interesting family, a 
man with a voice like the 'bulls of Bashan," commenced 
in a tent immediately adjoining the one we were in, a 
noisy exhortation^ which, of course, abruptly finished our 
conversation. We placed ourselves in an attitude for 
listening, out of respect for the worthy Squire, who was 
a leading man in the Church. 

The roaring speaker, with more zeal than knowledge, 
loudly extolled the superiority of the Method'st religion, 
"For," said he, "it has already spread Urope, Asha, Afrik 
and 'Merica, Yes," he continued, "it will spread from 
the North Pole to the South Pole, and from the East Pclc 
to the West Pole." 

While we were endeavoring to maintain our gravity, 
which was done with the utmost difficulty, all the decorum 


and propriety wc could command was scattered to u ihe 
poles" by our worthy host exclaiming,' in his peculiarly 
fine voice, 

"Why, brother Bange lias got in two more polea thar 
than I ever heard of before." 


When General Houston was President of the Republic 
of Texas, in 1842, Commodore Moore, who commanded the 
Texas navy, disobeyed the instructions of the President, 
and crippled and almost destroyed the Mexican fteet in an 
engagement off Yucatan. So signal was the victory, that 
the object of the Mexican Government to destroy the sea- 
port towns of Texas w;is entirely frustrated ; and the almost 
unanimous voice of the people of Texas screened their 
naval commander from the punishment that the ire of the 
hero of San Jacinto would otherwise have meeted out to 
him, for daring "to disobey his instructions issued through 
the Navy Department. i'mt ever after this circumstance, 
Houston and Moore became implacable foes ; and the for- 
mer— who was constantly retained in high office by the 
people, as an earnest of the high appreciation in whieh they 
held his revolutionary services — failed not to improve every 
opportunity to injure the Commodore all in his power. 

The result of these repeated injuries wa.Sj that Moore 
sent H'ou&tori a eh all en go. Now Sam, (peace to his ashes) 
has been often branded with cowardice by his political 
enemies, but, though wc never believed him to be a coward, 
it is evident that with him prudence was often "the better 
.part of valor ;" and so on tlfis occasion. 

The challenge was handed him by Gcm.MoLeod. Gen. 
II. deliberately opened and read the message ; drew from 
his coat pocket a large memorandum book, which he opened, 
and several pnges or which he scanned for some moments, 
seemingly engaged in solving 'some difficult arithmetical 
problem ; then, placing the challenge in the book, and re- 
turning the same to his pocket, be drew himself up to his 
full height (6 feet 4 inches,) looked disdainfully down upon 


the Liliputian figure (5 feot 2 inches) of Gen. McLeod, and 
cooly replied, verbally, to the challenge as follows : 

'Tell him I'll fight him. Yes, I'll fight him. I've got 
seventeen challenges already on my list. These insolent 
fellows must first be dispatched. G ive the Commodore my 
compliments, and tell him he shall come on in his regular 
turn. Make a note of it, little Mack, he's No. 18," "And 
the hero of San Jacinto strode into the Houston House for 
a drink. 

Commodore Moore often afterwards repeated the challenge; 
but he never could provoke Houston to fight him. 

In the winter of 1830, th« Legislature of Texas being in 
ge B sion, Houston and Moore were in the city of Houston at 
the same time, awaiting conveyance to the Capitol. The 
protracted and unusually copious rains had rendered the 
roads almost impassable, and many a fine stage-horse was 
left to perish, hogged in the Brazos bottom. For this 
cause, during several weeks the stage came and went with 
the mails, but invariably carried few or no passengers. The 
stage always left Houston at midnight, and the eusto'm was 
to drive around the city, when the driver warned passengers 
that the stage was about to start, by blowing a trumpet 
before the doors of the principal hotels. Gen. H. was stop- 
ping at the Houston House, while Commodore M. pat up at 
the old Capitol Hotel. 

The night was dark and rainy, and when the stage stopp- 
ed in front of the Houston House, Gen. H, muffled, tip to 
the eyes in his Mexican blanket, entered and to©k his seat 
in silence — the only passcDger. At the Old Capitol Hotel, 
another passenger appeared in reply to the driver's call, and, 
closely wrapped in the ample, folds of an old fashioned 
cloak, took a eeat immediately opposite his unknown travel 
ing companion. These two were the only passengers ; and 
as each supposed the other to be a stranger, they commun- 
ed wiih their own thoughts, or slapt until daylight. But 
with daylight came the discovery. Eaoh saw the hideous- 
ness of ths other, and with one accord they called to the 
driver to stop. The stage stopped, and Houston frantically 
bolted out, and proposed to the driver that he would ride 
with him upon the bos. The General continued to rido- 


with the driver until the stage stopped to change horses, 
when, chilled with the cold, he entered the stage and "took 
his old seat. It wastocw the Commodore's turn to "bolt," 
so he climbed upon the box, and rode with the driver. And 
thus they alternated, changing places whenever the stage 
stopped to change horses. Finally, finding the driver a 
very companionable sort of a man, the General confidingly 
placed his arm around him, and said— 

"Driver, are you aware that you arc carrying in your 
stage this trip, although you have but two passengers, the 
heaviest load of sin, ra3cajity, guilt, infamy and corruption 
that vou Have ever carried over this road before in your 
life ':" 

"Why, yes sir," replied the driver ; "that's just what 
the man inside told me a short time ago !" 

Houston asked the driver Ho further (juestions. 

General Houston, like the Scribes and Phariseos of- old, 
was an oracle of truth and conscientiousness, however little 
he practiced those estimable qualities himself. 

When the writer of these incidents was a youth, he one 
day had on a new pair of boots that were a little too small 
— too low in the instep —and was iu the act of dropping 
warm tvater froTn a sponge upon them, and working his feet 
with the object of stretching the leather and rendering his 
feet more comfortable, when General Houston entered the 
office. Observing what was doing, aud divining the cause, 
the General placed his hand upon our head, and, with the 
air and tone ot a patriarch said : "Young man — remem- 
ber, that in threading the intricate labvrinths'aud devious 
meaadcrings of this life, a tight boot and a guilty conscience 
are the two worst things a young man can possess." 

Not ax Uncommon Case. — A traveller from Virginia, 
as his appearance indicated, stopped at a comfortable 
wayside inn, in Kentucky, one night years ago. The 
landlord was a jovial whole.-souled fellow, as landlords 
Avere in those days, and gave the stranger the best enter- 
tainment his table and bar could afford, as wtll as his 
own merry company to make him glad. 

46 T1IK CAA1P JBtil'HK. 

Early ia tlic morning the stranger was up and looking 
around, when he espied a rich bed of. mint in the garden. 
He straightway sought Boniface,, and indignant at what he 
supposed his inhospitality, in setting plain whiskey before 
him when the means of brewing nectar was so easy of 
access, he dragged him forth to iiie spot, and pointing to 
the mint, he exclaimed : 

"I say, landlord, will you be good cnongh to say what 
this is ?" 

"A bed of mint," Raid the somewhat astonished land- 
lord. f 

"And will you please tell me what it is used for ?" 

"Well, don't exactly know, 'cept the old woman dries 
it sometimes with the other yarbs." 

The Virginian almost turned pule at the enormity of 
the assertion. 

"And do you mean to say you do not know what a mint 
julep is ?" 

"Not, 'cept it is something like sage tea, stranger." 

"Sage tea ! Go right along to th; house, get a bucket 
of ice, loaf sugar, and your best lienor." 

The landlord obeyed, and the stranger soon made his 
appearance with a handful of fragrant, dewy mint, and 
then they brewed and drauk, and drank <ijplin : breakfast 
was over, and the;strauger's horse. was brought oui, only 
to be ordered back. 

Through the livelong day -they brewed and drank, one or 
two neighbors dropping in, who were- partakers; and late 
in the night their orgies kept up ; ore they made it bed 
time the landlord and the Virginia guest, who had initia- 
ted him into the pleasant mysteries of mint julep, were 
sworn brothers ; and when the latter departed next morn- 
ing, JSonifaco, exacted the pledge that he would stop on his 
return, and stay as long as he pleased, tree of cost. 

The stranger's business, however, detained him longer 
than he expected, and it was the next summer before he 
came baok. 

Riding up late in the evening, 1iq gave his horse to an 
old negro who was at the gate, and at the same time in- 
quired : 

THE CAMP JESTl'ii, .47 

"Well, Sam, how is your master r"' 

"louder he comes," said the negro, pointing to a youth 
who was approaching. 

"I mean your old master, too !" 

"Old massa ! him done dead dis three months." 

"Dead ! What wa^ the matterwith him ? He was in 
fine health when J left him." 

"Yes; you see, massa stranger, one of dem Virginny 
gemman come 'long here las' year, and show'd 1dm how to 
eat gross in Ins hquor ; he like it so well he done stuck to 
it till it kill him," said the darkey, shaking his head. 

Advice Gratis.— Beware of the ,fatc of the Kentucky 
landlord : Profit by his sorrowful experience, and obey 
1 am s injunction ; "Be ye temperate in all things." 

Pat's Lady Gtaupkner.— Make up yer beds arly iu the 
morning, sew buttons on yer husbaads shirts, and do not 
/a/bup gravaucfes, protect the young and tinder branches 
of yer family, plant a smile of good timper on yer face, aud 
be careful to root out all angry phaling, and then you may 
expiet a good crop of happiness. 

Don't go it Strong,— -Said landlady Prim to a boarder 
"help yourself to the butter; don't be backward, there's 
a plenty of it." 

"Thank you inarm, but I'm a temperance man now, and 
have pledged myself to withstand temptation and partake 
of nothing strong. 1 '' 

Doubtful Courage.— The brave man at home, but 
coward from home*" 


In aucitntdays, Jehovah s;iid, 
Jn voice both sweut and calm : 

Be Abram's name forever changed 
To that of Abraham, 


Tv.'h.s then decreed his progeny 
Should oeeujiy high station;;. 

Fur, Ah.-aham jivllcljrcw means : 
"Father of m my nations ! " 

In Yankeeland, an Abraham, 
With.Eni-eches wise uor witty, 

"Went down to his Jerusalem, 
The famou.5 Federal city. 

True to his name this Abram will, 
So changed are his relations, 

Instead of one great nation, Le 
Father of many nations ! 

In the Circuit is a Scotch Judge. A convicted 

felon — a deplorably hard looking and uniuistkable Paddy 
was brougLt in to be sentenced. 

Judge' — "What have you to say ? " 

Pat — " I crave nieicy, yer Honor ! " 

Judge — "What countryman are jou? "* 

Pat — "A Scotchman, an plazo yer honor, dale gently 
y/i' tbo likes o' me ! " 

A perceptible smile spread over the" Court room and the 
poor fellow got the lull- term. 

A little bright-eyed four-year old came running up to 
me one lovely day in summer, exeluimmg, " Oh, auntie, I 
feel a* if I jvanted to hug the morning, it is so beautiful." 

Jec n'EsriUT. — Mis3 Fanny Moraut was, at last ac 
counts, playing in New York. Once upon a time, this his- 
torian suddenly bioke her engagement at the St. Charles, 
New-Orleans, and went to California with Mr. James 
Anderson, the Tragedian. Whereupon, these lines were 
penned ; 

?Jore rmil will California hear, 

When- tin's long trip is done ; 
The tragic runs will start with fear 

At Fanny and her fun .' 


An Irish servant being struck by bis master, cried out, 
devil take me if I am certain whether he has killed me" or 
no; but if I am deid it will afford me great satisfaction to 
hear the old rogue wan hauged for killing me. 

One having occasion to rise early, bid his man look out, 
and see if it was day ; the man replied, it was dark ; you, 
logger-head, says he, why don't you take a candle and hold 
it out of the window, how do you think to s»e without ? 

A fellow going to sleep, put a brass pot under his head 
and fisdiDg it hard, stuffed it with feathers, and so lay on 
' it with coHfidtnsa of softness. 

A beggar- *oman petitioned a joung buck very hard, 
to bestow a single halfpenny upon ber ; at the same time 
assuring him it was lending to the Lord. Indeed, Jwoman, 
answered the buck, I'll not lend the Lord a farthing; for 
if I should happen tp go to hell, I should never see him 
to demand my debt. 

A citizen's wife being in the country, and seeing a goose 
that had many goslings ; how is it possible, said she, that 
one gooso should suckle so many goslings ? 

A gentleman, who had been very silly and pert in a lady's 
company, at last began to grieve at remembering the loss -of 
his child, lately dead. A bishop sitting by, advised him to 
make himself easy, because the child was gone to heaven. 
I believe, my lord, said the lady, 'tis that which makes, him 
grieve, because he is sure never to see his child there. 

A gentleman asked a shepherd, whether that river mighty 
be passed over or not ? Yes, says he ; but iip»n trying, 
be flounced over head and ears ; why, you rogue, says he, 
did you not tell me it. might be passed over ? Indeed, sir, 
says he, I thought so, for my geese go over and back again 
every day, aud 1 did not doubt but you was as wise as a 



A Priest in Ireland, having preached a sermon on mira- 
cles, was asked by one of his congregation, walking home- 
wards, to explain a little more lucidly what a miracle 

, "Is it a merakle you want to understand?'" said the 
priest. "Walk on thin there forninst me, and I'll think- 
how I can explain it to you." 

The man walked on, and the priest came after him and 
gave him a tremendous kick. 

"Ugh !" roared the sufferer, "why did you do that ?" 

"Did you feel it ?" asked the priest. 

"To be sure I did," replied the man. 

"Well, thin, it would have been a merakle if you had 
not," returned the priest. 

"Our children will have the immense tax on their hands," 
jsaid an American gentleman. 

"Oh, horrible !" exclaimed an elderly lady, "what a 

blessing it is we have nails on ours.' 1 

"Come to church," the deacon cries : 

To church encli fair ono goes 
The old go there to close their eyes, 
The young to eye their clothes. 

A gentleman being at church, had his pocket picked of 
Jiii watch, and complaning of it to a friend of his, he 
xoplied, had you watched as well as prayed, your watch 
bad been secure ; but the next watch you carry about you , 
remember these lines : 

He that a tvatch, u-ould wear, this he must do, 
Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too. 

A person asked an Irishman, why he wore his stockings 
the wrong side outwards? He answered, because there 
was a bole on the oth,er side. 

A simple fellow was making a great moaa and said, he 
bad got such a pain in t his feet, that he was uot able to lift 
up his hand to his head. 

Tliii CAMP UKST1SK !il 

, Kicking a Y»ung Biude Out of Bed. — llecently, a fun- 
loving bridesmaid played a very unhandsome joke upon a 
bowly-wedded pair. She put them upon a clock bedstead, 
having wound it up for four o'clock. The alarm of the 
young couple, may be imagined but not described, wbon, iu 
the midst of the lady's first sleep, she was awakened by the 
horrible din of the alarm, with her husband's, "What the 
d — 1 is that ?" and, before she was thoroughly awake, she" 
was violently tossed on the floor. Jumping up, she ran to 
her friend's room, crying 

"I'll have a divorce — it's infamous ! I'll never speak 
to Charles again ! — be's a perfect monster !" 

"Good gracious !" cried her friend Lizzie, in affected as- 
tonishment, "What is the matter, dear ? Do tell me !" 

"He — he — he — " sobbed the weeping bride, and stopp- 
ed, "He — he — he-^oh, how can I tell ?" sobbed the 

"Come, come, out with it. It shall be a secret. Do 
tell me," implored her friend. 

"How can I — how can I ? But he " 

"He what ?" asked Lizzie ; kissed you ?" 

4 <No. no !" sobbed the bride ; "he kicked me out of hed!" 

The matter was soon explained, and no divorce has vet 
b«en applied for. 

A West-eud tradesman, who for two years has vainly 
tried to get paid for a dozn of cravats which a young fop, 
suspected of living a little at the expense of confiding 
tradesmen,. had bought of him, at last sent his bill for "A 
dozeu fancy satin policemen." "What does this mean ?" 
asked the fop. "What are satin policemen ?" "They 
are doubtless your cravats," was the reply, "because they 
take a thief by the throat every morning." 

A lawyer was once pleading a case in court before the 
full bench. The chief justice whispered iu his neighbor's 
ear, but loud enough to be beard by others, "I'll wager he 
lies." The lawyer, not in the least disconcerted, drew his 
purse from "his podket, and laying it on the bar, exclaimed, 
"Put dowu your money — I take the bet !" 


John B. Gough tells the following story, though the joke 
he at his own expense. Once while on a lecturing tour 
through England, he was introduced to a village audience 
in these terms : 

"Ladies and gentlemen, T 'ave the 'oner to hintroduce to 
you the distinguished lecturer, Mr. John B. Gough, who 
will haddress us on the subject of temperance. You know 
that temperance is thought to be rather a dry subject ; but 
to-night as we listen to our friend the horator from hover 
the hocean, we may 'ope to 'ave the miracle rf Samson re- 
peated, and to be refreshed with water from the jawbone of 
a bass i" 

A poor son of the Emerald tale applied for employment 
to an avaricious hunk, whe told him that he should employ 
no more Irishmen, "for the last one died on my hands, and 
I was forced to bury him at my own charge." "Ah, yer 
Honor," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all ? Then 
you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that 
I never died in the employ of any master T 

"What," asked the schoolmaster, "is the term applied to 
the crime of possessing two wives at one time ?" 

"Bigamy," replied the scholar." 

"And if there be more thaa two, what should you call 

The scholar reflected a moment, then chancing to cast 
his eyes upon a map of Utah that decorated the wall, he 
smiled, and confidently answered, 

"Brighamy, sir !" 

"why don't you stay 



Confederate States of America, } 

Street Walker's Office, Atlanta, Ga., Dec. 13, 186i. $ 
Notice. — Sealed proposals will be received at this office 
until Ihc end of the war, from contractors, to build a steel 
chain Coat-of-Mail, with which to "iron-clad" the person of 
the undersigned, that he may, in fancied security, peregri- 
nate the streets of Atlanta without fear of the assassin's 
knife ; also — 

For the manufacture of one 12-pound howitzer brass can- 
Don, t« work on a movable pivot, to bo swung to the coat- 
tail of the subscriber, as a defence against "garoters" ap- 
proaching from any given' direction. A four-barrelled 
cannon would be preferable, to fire schrapnel and chain-shot 
upon parties advancing from our dark alleys at one time. 

Also, sealed proposals for the following articles of offen- 
sive and defensive warfare : 

One dumbbell, weighing eighteen pounds, to be used as 
a slung-shot in encounters with "thugs" and "shoulder 

One pair brass knuckles, so that the wearer may throw 
down the gauntlet, and still meet the insidious foe hand and 

One Arkansas toothpick, about the length and'eurve of 
a scythe-blade. 

Two navy revolvers, for close quarters with "the fancy." 
One improved steel-trap, to be worn in the coat-tail 
pocket as a sort of dumb sentinel against pickpockets. 

One holster pistol, charged to the muzzle with carpet 
tacks, with which to levy a few tax in kind on the "Dum 
v vimus vivaroousefi," 

One hickory-knobbed s^ick, for "boarding the enemy." 
One brindle bull terrier, with spike collar and no tail, 
and oars cropped, as a captain of escort to the subscriber. 
[This article, of course, is not cxptcted to bo made to order. J 
One ftcel helmet, to protect the head from accidental 
but inevitable collisions against friendly bludgeons around 
dark corners. 

One railroad engine reflector, to be used as a dark 


lantern every time the moon goes down and the street 
lamps are lit up. 

Each bid must be accompanied by the name of two- or 
more approved securities for the faithful performance of 
the contract, stating the address of the same, and giving 
references as to their respectability. 

The articles aforesaid must be furnished immediately. 
The subscriber is determined to preserve an "armed 
neutrality" on all the little difference which may exist 
between the municipal government and the Chevalitrs d) In- 
dustrie, who have lately become part proprietors of this 
thriving village. Hon. Kwort Keg, 

Supt, Street Walker's Office. 

Three citizens walking in the fields, one said, We 
shall have a great year of blackberries ; for the last week, 
I plucked a handful of the f*irest red black-berries that 
I ever saw. A second person laughed at him, sayiDg, 
Red black-berries is a bull ! But the third person, with 
much gravity, justified what the former had said, and very 
sagely questions, Are not black-berries always red when 
they are green ? 

A company of young ladie* lately discussed this ques- 
tion — " What is the great duty of man ?" One of them, 
dressed a la mode from head to foot, contended that it was 
to pay milliners' bills. This was agreed to without a dis- 
senting voice. 

A wise barber having been to trim a gentleman at night, 
was bid to take a candle to light him down stairs ; which 
having done, and lighted himself down, he very orderly 
brought it up again, returning tuanks, and so weat dowa 
stairs again in the dark. 

The wit deservedly won bis bet who, in a company when 
every one was bragging of his tall relations, wagered that 
he himself had a brother 12 feet high. H« had, he said, 
"two half-brothers, each measuring six feet," 


(Thn followinj skftoh h by <hc author of "Swallowing an Oyster 
Alive!" and wae originally published in (he St. Louis "Reveille.'") 

This celebrated gontleman is a recognized "/toss" Certain- 
ly ; and, we are told, rejoices as much at his cognomination, 
as he did at his nomination for the chair gubernatorial, last, 
election. He did not rvn well enough to reach the chair, 
though it appears from his own account, that his hoss quali- 
ties, "any how," fall considerably below those of the sure- 
ecough animal. This is his story— which he is very fond 
of relating up by Palmyry. 

"You see, boys, I came to the d — d river, and found I 
had to swim. Had best clothes on, and didn't know what 
to do ! "What river V" Why, Salt river. Our Salt, here 
in Missouri, d — d thing, always full when don't want it. 
Well, boy? 1 , you knows /toss Allen !— no back out in him, 
aDy how ! Stripped to the skin, just tied clothes up irr 
bundle, strapped it on to the critter's head, and 'cross we 
swum together. Well, don't you think, while I was gittin' 
up the bank, the d — d thing got away, and started off with 
my clothes on his head ! and the more I run, and hollered, 
and 'whoa'd,' the more I couldn't catch the cussed varmint ! 
'Way he'd go, and I arter — hot as h — 11, too, all the way, 
and yaller flies about — and when I did gcttol'ble near, he'd 
stop and look, cock his ears, aud give a snuff, as if he never 
smelt a m#n afore, and then streak it off agin as if I had 
been an Ingin ! Well, boys, all I had to do was to keep a 
follcrin'on, and keep flies off-; and I did, till we come to a 
s'ough, and, says I, now, old feller, I got you, and I driv 
him in. Well, arter all, do you know, fellers, tHfe d — d 
critter wouldn't stick ! ho went in and in, and by'm-by 
came to a derp place, and swum right across — a fact, true 
as thunder ! Well, you see, when i cum to the deep place, 
I swum, too ; and do you know that d — d beast just nat- 
'rally waited till I got out, and looked at me all over, and 
I could act'ily see him laflin ! and I was nasty enough to 
make a boss laueh, any how ! 

"Well, thinks I, old feller, recon you'v had fun enough 
with me now, s"o I gits some sticks and scrapes myself 'all 
over, and got tol'be white agin, and then begins to coax the 


d— d varmint ! Well, I 'wboa'd,' and 'old boy VI," and cum 
up right, civil to him, I tell ye, and he took it mighty con- 
descending too ; and jist when I had him, sure — cussed if 
lie didn't go right hack into the slough agin, swum the deep 
place, walked out, and stood on t'other side waitin' for mo. 

"Well, by this time the d ■-• d jailer flies oum at me agin, 
and I jist nat'rally went in arter the blasted beast, and 
stood afore him, on t'other F\de,just as nasty- ns b<~foic — 
did by thunder, boys ! Well, he laj/cd agin till he nearly 
shook the bundle off, and 'way he went, back. agin, three 
miles to the river, and then he jist stopped dead and wait- 
ed till I cum up to him, and jist kind a axed me to cum 
and take hold of the bridle, and then guv a kick and a 'ruc- 
tion and went in agin, laffin all the time ; and, right in the 
middle, d — m me, if he didn't shake my clothes off, and 
'way they went, down stream, while he swum ashore, and 
I, just nat'rally, lay down on the bank, and cussed all 

''Well, you see, boys, there I lays 'bove a hour, when I 
sees a feller p'ullin' up stream in a skift, a-tryin' on a coat ; 
and says I, stranger, see here, when you're done gittin' my 
coat ou, I'll thank you for my shirt ! and the feller sees 
how it was, and pulls a-shore, and helps me. I tell you 
what, boys, you may talk of boss lafs, but wheu you waat 
a good one, just think of IIoss Allen /" 


The following laughable affair is from a book entitled 
Fisher's River Scenes and Characters. The incident is 
located in North Carolina. It is the story of a man named 
'Oliver Stan'ey," who was takc:i captive by wild "Injuns." 
After some consideration, they put him into an empty oil 
barrel and headed him up, leaving the bunghole open, that 
ho might be longer dying. The prisoner relates a portion 
of his experience in this wise : 

1 determined to get out' of that or burst a trace , and so 
I pounded away with my fist, till I beat it into nearly a 
jelly, at the end of the bar'l ; but it were no go. Then 
I butted a spell with my noggin, but I had no purchase 
like old rams have when they butt; fur, you know they 


back ever so far when they make a tilt. So I caved in, 
made my last will and testament, and virtually gave up the 
ghost, It wur a mighty serious time with me, to be sure. 
While I were lying there, balancing accounts with t'other 
world, and afore I had all my Aggers made out to fee 
how things *ud stand, I heard suthin' scrambulating in 
the leaves, and snortin', every whipstitch like he smelt 
• ufchiri' he didn't adzactly like. I lay as still as a sala- 
mander, and thought, maybe there's a chance for Stanley 
yit. So the critter, whatever it mout be, kep' moseyin' 
round the bar'I. Last he came to the lunghole, put his 
nose in, smelt mighty perticuler, and gin a monstrous 
loud snort. I holt what little breath I had to keep the 
critter from sniellin' the intarnals of that bar'I. I soon 
seen it was a bar of the woods — the big king bar of the 
woods, who had lived thar from time immortal. Thinks I 
old fellow look out/ old Oliver ain't dead yit. Jist then, 
he put his black paw in jist as fur as he could, and scrabbled 
abmit to make 'scoyery. The first tho't I had' was to nali 
his paw, asadrowndin' man will ketch at a straw ; but I 
soon seen that wouldn't do, for you see he couldn't then 
travel. So I jist waited a spell with great flatterbation 
of mind. The next move he made was to put his tail in 
at the bunghole ov the bar'I to test inards. I seen that 
were my time to make my Jack ; so I seized my holt and 
khouted at the top ov my voice; 

'•Charge, Chester, charge ! 
On, Stanley, on !" 

And the bear he put, and I knowed tail holt were better 
than no holt ; and so we went; bar'I and all, the bar full 
upeed. Now, my hope were that the bar would jump ore r 
some pressepiss, break the bar'I all to shiverations, and 
liberate me from my nasty, stinken' ily prison, and sure 
'nuff, the bar at full speed leaped over a cateraek/i/iy Jix/t 
hiqft.. Down we went together iu a pile, cowhallop, on a big 
rock, bus tin' the bar'I and nearly shakin' my gizzard out' 
me. [ It t go my tail-holt-bad no more use for it-and away 
went the bar like a whirlygust uv woodpeckers wore after 
it. I've never seen nor heard from that bar since, but he 
has my best wishes for his present and future welfare. 

h'6 Tl* 14i JjAMH JJ&TJiil. 

The following dialogue between an Irish Inn-keeper &nd 
an Englishman, dates as far back as 1804 . 

Englishman.— Hallo, house." 

Inn-keeper. — 'I don't know any one of that name.' 

E." ! Are you the master of the inn ? 

I. — Yes, sir, please your honor, when my wife's from home.' 

E. — 'Have you a bill of fare V 

I. — 'Yes, sir, the fairs of Mullingar and Balliuaslee are 
the next week.' 

E.— 'T see, how are your beds ?' 

I. — 'Very well, I thank you, sir:' 

E. — 'Have you any 'Mountin ?" 

I. — 'Yes, sir, this country is full of mountains.' 

E. — 'I mean a kind of wine.' 

I. — 'Yes, sir, all kinds, from Irish wine (butter milk) to 

E. — 'Haye you any parter V 

I. — 'Yes, sir, an excellent porter, he'll go any- 

E. — 'No, no, I mean porter to drink.' 

I. — 'Oh sir, he'd drink the ocean— never fear him for 

E.— 'Have you any fish ?' 

I.— 'They call me an old fish.' 

E. — '[ think so, I hope you are not a shark.' 

I. — 'No, sir, indeed I am not a lawyer.' 

E. — 'Have you any soles ?' 

I. — 'For your boots or shoes, sir ?' 

E. — 'Psha ! have you any plaice f 

I. — 'No sir, but I was promise.d one if 1 would vote for 
Mr. B .' 

E. — 'Have you any wild fowls ?' 

I. — 'They ay^ tame enough now, for thay have been 
killed these turee days.' 

E. — 'I 'must see myself.' 

I.—'l'md welcome, sir, I will fetch you the looking-glass. 

"How is coal now ?" inquired a gentleman of a son of the 
Emerald Isle, who was dumping a load of coals in the 
street. "Black as ever, sir, be jabers," responed Patrick. 


Strange devices were adopted by some of the Lard-up 
soakers ou Christmas-day, to get the wherewithal to feul 
the influence of "the day we celebrate ;" and none were more 
ingenious than the method of a pretended mute, who took 
in some of the merchants that kept open doors for a few 
hours in the morning, to catch the early birds that chanced 
to fly their way. The mute aforesaid, after scrutinizing 
the eign over tfcc door, pulled a slate out of his pocket, 
walked in, and writing on it the words : 

"Got any molassess ?" handed it to the merchant. 
The latter, taking the hint — namely, that the gentleman 
was a deaf mute — wrote down the word — 

The deaf mute added immediately the inquiry — 
"How much do you ask for it V" 
The merchant jotted down — 
"Fifteen dollars," 
The deaf mute wrote — 
' Let me see it." 

The merchant condu«ted him •to the cellar, and gave him 
a look at the sorghum. Dummy tasted the same, and, 
manifesting his satisfaction by sundry signs and grimaces, 
wrote upon his slate— 
"I'll see'my partner." 

lie then started out ; but, as if having forgotten some- 
thing, returned, and jotted down the cabalistic sentence — 
"Got any lirst-rate brandy V" 

The merchant replied through the medium of the slate ■-- 
"Yes— splendid." 

"Let me see it," responded Dummy, in the same way, 
after cleansing the tablet with his coat-sleeve. 

The merchant conducted him to a bright, particular bar- 
rel, drew out a few "taster's" full, and poured the ruby 
liquor into a goblet, in which it was illuminated by the cir- 
cumambient air to a magnificent advantage. Dummy took 
it— there was over half a pint in the goblet — viewed the 
surrounding scenery of shelves and boxes through it for a 
few moments, then slightly tasted it ; grinned satisfaction, 
and rubbed his belly; poistd the goblet for a moment 


longer ia the air, and then quietly tilted it to bis lips, and 
the brandy disappeared ''like a' dream" from the astonished 
visi-on of the merchant. Dummy hoisted h's slate again, 
wrote upon it the words, "I'll see my partner," made a bow, 
and left. 

Some half-a-dozen merchants were called upon and 
"tasted" in the same fashion by the original, who, at length 
gave in, and toddled down to one of tha numerous "rests 
for travelers" — the public square — and took a glorious 
slumber for the rest of the day. 

Little Charles came to the table very hungry, and he had 
his fork in a potatoe, and the potatoe transferred to his plat© 
before he thought of the usual blessing. Looking up to his 
father, he says : "Pa, you talk to Heaven while I mash 
my potatoe." His hunger made him wish to improvo every 

An eminent divine preached one Sunday morning -from 
the text — "Ye are the children of the devil," and in the 
afternoon, by a funny coincidence, from the words, "Chil- 
dren, obey your parent*." 

Sometimes a girl says no. to an offer, when it is as plain 
as the nose on her face that she raenns yes. The best way 
to judge whether she earnest or not, is to look straight 
into her eyes, and never mind her noes. 

"Dear, dear !" says Mrs. Partington, "it's a great pity 
that men will go to wax and cut each other's throats, like 
a set of naked animals. It would be much better if they 
would admit their disputes to agitition, as they do in the 
Divorce Court, instead of setting one regiment to shoot and 
kill another regiment.'' 

"What is the meaning of a backbiter "?" asked a clergy- 
man at :t Bundayschool examination. This was a puzzle, 
It went down the class until it came to a simple urchin, wbo 
said. "Perhaps it be a flea." 


"Stick 'em, Boys."— Extra Billy Smith, formerly Colo- 
nel of*thc 49th Virginia, and the present Governor of that 
glorious old Statr, is well known to the whole army as no 
martinet in military matters, caring but little in what lan- 
guage his orders are given, nor whether they are executed 
according to the rules of tactics, so they are understood by 
his men and carried out as he desires. One of his com- 
mand informs us of a good one of his at one of the battles 
before Richmond, which Will bear recording. 

During the severest of <Jie_cantegt^when ball and shell 
were raining in a perfect tornmt^Mfon his position, Extra 
Billy, who sat oa his horse etilm pd unmatfedik if on or- 
dinary parade, saw, as ho/tJ«>uant^ap ^poi^gity for a 
successful charge upon a battcry^with a pretty strong in- 
fantry support, and called out to his men : 

"lioys ! you see tkem fellows over yonder. Pull out 
bayonets. Now, stick 'em !" 

The "boys" went in with a rush, their brave leader at 
their head, aiu\ did "stick em" until not a few lay stretched 
in the agonies of death upon the gorjt field. 

"Dat Vo» Njx." — Not long since an honest German 
"entered his appearance" before one of our magistrates, 
and made complaint against a gay Lothario for jcompensa- 
tory damages for stealing his wife's clothing. The lady oc- 
cupied the interior of the clothing at the time of the theft, 
bub this act seemed to bo ignored by the complainant. The 
dispenser of justice suggested that instead of trying to re- 
cover the value of the dry goods, a suit should be instituted 
for damages to his frau's honor. "Oh no," replied the 
injured man, in the most philosophic and complacent tone 
imaginable, "Dat vos nix !" 

A friend has told us of an excellent way to keep skippers 
out of bacon during the summer. It is, to give all you 
cannot eat during the winter, to the wiv«s and children of 
poor soldiers. Be says he tried this plan last winter, and 
it worked like a charm. Reader; suppose you try it, and 
see how it will operate in your case. We strongly recom- 
mend it to everybody. 

62 THE CAJT'P JESljiil 

Remarkably Social Govecnox, — Gov. Powell, of 
Kentucky, was never an orator, but Lis conversational, 
storytelling and social qualities were remarkable. His 
great forte lay in establishing a pergonal intimacy with 
every one he met, and in thi.3 way he was powerful in elec- 
tioneering, lie chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but 
never carried the weed himself, and was always begging it 
from every one he met. Uis residence was in Henderson, 
and in coming up the Ohio, past that place, I overheard 
the following characteristic atfecdote of him : 

A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into con- 
ver»atio& witfe a cassen^er who made iuquiries about Powell. 

' He ll^es rtvjeur .pl/acc,- I believe, don't he ?" 

"Yes — one of our oiliest citizens."'' 

"Very social man, ain't he ?" 

''Remarkably so." 

"Well, I thought so, I think he is one of the most so- 
ciable men I ever met in all my life. Wonderfully sociable. 
I was introduced to him over at Grayson Springs last sum- 
mer, and he hadn't teen with me ten minutes when he 
Pegged all the tobacco I had, got his feet upon mj lap, and 
spit all over me — remarkably sociable I" 

Scene at one of our Hotel's. — Time, nine o'clock, 
Enter gentleman with an overcoat, very cold and in a 

Gent. — "Ah, give me the key to 39, Clerk, not very 
impressible or enthusiastic, "what d'ye want with key to 
39 ?" 'I want to go to bed, sir." Sternly, "the devil you 
do ! And in Cap'ain Smith's roum ?" "Certainly ; Cap- 
tain Smith and mybelf are rooming together ; it's all right." 
"Captain Smith," bawls Clerk, to a gentleman near by, 
''docs this here man room with you aiid Mrs. Smith V" 
Stranger disappears out of back door. 

In a recent ride we discovered the»foilowing placed upon 
a gatepost : 

"Pur sail a too story cows pen. The owner Expex to 
&o to calcfi'orney." 

THIS CAMP Jlib'i'Kii Oj 

Peiifeotly (Jool. — A waggish friend of ours tells the 
following, which wc do not recollect to have seen in print : 

A certain man who we will call M , was uoted for his 

possessing great courage and presence of mind, and the 
crossest wite in the neighborhood. More than one attempt 

had been made to frighten M without success; but 

one dark, stormy evening, one of his brother chips resolved 
to see if there was any scare in him, fixed himself in a 

lonely piece of wood through which M had to pass on 

his way home. The pretended ghost had scarcely settled 

himself in his position, when M hove in sight and 

came whistling along unconcerned as usual. Suddenly 
the ghostly figure confronted him, and, in a sepulchral 

voice, commanded him to stop. M did so, and after 

regarding his companion for a moment, said, with the 
utmost coolness, "I can't stop, friend ; if you are a man, I 
must request you to get out of the way, and let me pass ; 
if you are Old Nick, come along and take supper with 
me — / married your sister. ." 

How He Got to Hi* Vessel'. — A sailor in Boston, 
having left ship for a visit to the city, woke up next morn- 
iug and found his clothes had been stolen by his room mate- 
lie was very anxious to return to his vessel, but his under, 
garment was tbe only one left, and that was not of sufficient 
dimensions to answer all the requirements of the occasions 
He finally procured the loan of a headless flour-barrel, got 
into it, and holding the barrel at sufficient height to comply 
with tho demands of decency, he marched down to the 
wharf, and arrived at the vessel beforo she sailed. His 
appearance on the street created quite a sensation. 

A. - * Irish Discussion. — A contractor, who was building a 
lunnel on a certain Ohio railroad, observed, one morning, 
ihat the face of a member of his gang had its. surface all 
spotted with bruises and plaster. 

"Ah ! Jimmy," said he, "what have you been doin' 'r" 
"Not varry much, sur," answered Jimmy, "I was jist 
dowu at Billy Mulligau's last night, sur, an' him &u' me 
we had a bit. av a discooahen wid sthicks !'' 


A young chaplain, who had neither a good voieo, nor skill 
in singing, yet thought every one admired him ; often ob- 
served an old woman i.o fall a crying when the psalm was 
singinir; for which, one day, lie asked her before some of 
the chieffcsfc of the house, what moved her to weep so often 
when ihe pslam was singing ? alas, sir, said she, when I 
lived in Ihe country with my husband, we had the misfor- 
tune to lose a she-ass which was very profitable to us, and 
your voice doth so much lesemble her's, that every time 
I hear you sing, I cannot forbear weeping when I think of 
the poor creature. 

A I.ittle Girl's Directness. — In a lecture at Port- 
land, Maine, the lecturer, wishing to explain to a little girl 
the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he has 
outgrown it, said : 

"\Yhat do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? 
You cast theni aside, do you not ?'J 

"Oh, i.o," replied the little one, "we let out the tucks!" 

The lecturer confessed she had the advantage of him there. 

An Irishman attending a Quaker meeting for the first 
time, was much astonished and puzzled withal at the 
manner of worship. Having been told that the brethren 
spake even as they were moved by the spirit, he watched 
the proceedings with increasing disgust for their-"haythern 
way of worship," till a young Quaker arose and com- 
menced solemnly — 

" Brethren, 1 have married " 

"The duce you have?" interrupted Pat. 

The Quaker sat down in confusion, but the spirit moved 
Pat no farther. The young man mustered courage and 
broke ground again : 

"Brethren, I have married a daughter of the Lord." 

" The duce you have that !" said Pat, "Hut ir.'ll be a- 
long while before iver I'll see your father-in law." 

Mrs. Partington wants to know if it were net intended 
that women should drive their husbands, why are they put 
through the bridle ceremony ? 


Mr. Jokish and Mr. Jackson, two tradesmen of LondoD, 
went to Westchester fair to lay a little moncyout; and 
being there one night, the chamberlain of the inn where 
they lodged, happened to conduct them through an apart- 
ment where there were two men in bed together. Mr. 
J ok is h observed that one of them was so plaguy long 
t>hank«d that his legs were half-way out of the bed ; which 
he no sooner saw than he conceived a mighty desire to have 
a little humor with them. And as soon as they came into 
the next room, where they were to lie. he says to the cham- 
berlain, you may now leave us, and we will tike care of the 
caudle ourselves. So, when the chamberlain was retired, 
he acquainted his bedfellow with his design. Did you 
observe (says he) the man in the next room, with his legs 
half a yard out at the foot of the bed? Yes, replied 
Jackson; and what then? If you will hold the candle 
just at the door, answered Jokish, and light me, and take 
it away at my signal, I will show you some diversion. With 
all my heart! replied Jackson. So they both of them 
pulled off their slippers, to prevent making a noise. And 
as soon as Jokish came into the room where the two men 
lay, he espies by the bedside a pair of spurs ; one of whi«h 
he takes up, and gently puts it upon the man's naked foot 
that hung so far outj>f bed ; and as soon au he ha,d buckled 
it fast, he beckons his friend Jackson to take away the 
candle, and shut the door; and then he gives Teaugue (for 
he happened to b; an Irishman) a good hard pinch upon the 
same foot that he had put the spur upon. The Irishman, 
»t this, begun to growl confoundedly, and hauling up his 
feet into the bod, (though not awake,) he scratched his 
bedfellow's legs sadly with the spur, who, being a Scotch- 
man, roars out, in a devlish passion — Dce'l d — n you, sir, 
gen y'fe hot gang out of the bed, and cut your toe nails, 
by G — d! ise throw ye oot o' th' window !. The Irishman 
being yet asleep, and not in the least sensible of what had 
passed, soon after thrust down his legs as they were before, 
Then Jokish gave him another pinch by the toe, and up 
the Irishman hauls his feet again, and scratches the Scotch- 
man's leg as before ; at which the Scotchman began to 
pummel the Irishman heartily; presently after, the Irish- 


man, rolling his feet about the bed, struck the rowelof 
the spur into his own leg, which thoroughly awaked hhn. 
At this, he with some surprise, putting down his hand to 
feel what was the matter with his foot, cried out in a very 
great passion — Arrah, d — n my shoul, but the horstler 
of this inn is a very great rascal ! but he has pulled off both 
my boots, and like a d — d rogue has left one of my spurs on. 

Fun on the River. — A member of the 40th Alabama, 
writing to the Mississippian an account of a trip up the 
Alabama river, says : 

The bays aboard extracted a great deal of fun from a raw 
recruit on bis way to join Seldou's artillery. After we 
had taken several "grins," one of them informed him that 
liis transportation entitled him to whisky free and a scat 
at the ladle*' table. "Well," said Greeny, "d — d if I didn't 
think so all the time," and with a lordly air he marched to 
the bar, threw down his transportation from Col. Echols, 
and said : "Now, G- d, Mr. Barkeeper, I'll take a drink 
on that ere document !" Barkeeper, who was posted and 
paid, gave him a drink and several more, with an endorse- 
ment on the transportation each time to this effect : "By 
order of Col. Echols — one h — 11 of a drink 1" Greeney, 
when the gong sounded, made a desperate raid on the 
ladies' table, and desolated the country for an arm's length 
on either flank. But his triumph was short-lived, lie- 
soon learned that before he could go into the battery, he 
would have to bs examined in naturalibus, by the Provost 
Marshal and seven assistants, all of whom were 
females ! The last I saw of him he was anxiously inquir- 
ing of Captain Cox if they would not 'let him off from tho 
examination it' he told them ar women how close kin he was 
to Vice President Stephens ?" Bully for Seldon's battery. 

At a young ladies' seminary, a few days since, during an 
examination in history, one of the. most promising pupils 
was interrogated : "Mary, did Martin Luther die a natu- 
ral death ?" "No," was the replv, "he was excommunica- 
ted by ft bull" 



Mr. Beecher, 

Yankee preacher, 
Is, just now, a London feature, 

Sent, we're thinking, 

By Abe Lincoln, 
To become Britannia's teacher, 


Yankee yelling, Pat's orations, 

Menace frantic, 
s O'er the Atlantic, 
f^tir not this most bland of nations, 

Try new order, 

Use soft sawder, 
Praise Britannia, hymn her, laud her. 

Reverend brother, 

Call her mother, 
Soothe her, pat her and applaud her. 

From his master 

Comes the pastor, 
. Cast aside the pepper castor, 

And stands eooing, 

Suing, wooing. 
Blister, bless you— Poor Man's Plaster. 

Wheedle, Beecher, 

Gentle praac'ier, 
All your wiles won't overreach her, 

Give instruction 

In egg-suction, 
Granny knows all you can teach ber. 


Shdrong du peest mine lager, 
Nix can shdronger pe , 
I likes du petter as goot, 
Petter as goot can be. 
Vhen I dhrinks mein lager 
Him feel sho'ronjr much more, 
Pit py -chink* I likes him 
Petter as pefore. 

"You are a great bore," said an enraged gentlcmajn from 
his chamber-window to a youth who had been serenading 
his daughter half an hour — "you are a great bore, and I 
think you mean to keep on boring till you get water, and 
there it is," emptying a pitcher-full upon his head. 



In the nor I hern part of this State, (California,) is a 
stream called Yuba river. Across it some enterprising 
individual built a bridge, and on the banks somebody 
else built three or four houses. The inhabitants called 
the place Yirba Dana. Three bars were instantly erected, 
and the town increased rapidly. About noon one cool 
day a sojourner in the land passed this flourishing locality, 
and seeing a long legged specimen of humanity in a red 
shirt smoking before one of the bars, thus addressed 
him ; • 


"Hello!" replied the shirt with vigor, removing his 
pipe from his mouth. 

"What place is this ?" demanded the traveller, whose 
name was Thompson. 

The answer of the shirt was unexpected : 

"Yuba Dam !" 

There was about fifty yards between them and the wind 
was blowing. Mr. Thompson thought he had been mis- 

"What did you say ?" lie asked. 

"Yuba Dam," replied the shirt cheerfully. 

'What place is this ?" roared Mr. Thompson. 

"Yuba Dam ! " said the shirt in a slightly elevated tone 
of voice, 

"Lookee here ! " yelled the irate Thompson. "lacked 
you politely what place this was, why in thunder don't 
you answer ? " 

The stranger became excited. He rose and replied with 
the voice of an eighty pounder : 

"Yuba Dam ! Don't you hoar that ? " 

In a minute Thompsan, burning with the wrath of the 
righteous, jumped off his horse and advanced on the 
stranger with an expression not to be mistaken. The 
shirt arose and assumed a posture of offence and defence. 

Arrived within a yard of him, Th»mpson said : 

"I ask you, for the last time what plaoe i3 this ? " 

Putting his hand to his mouth his opponent roared ; 

""Yuba Dam!" 


The next moment they were at it. First Thompson was 
down ; theu the shirt ; theu it was a dog fall — that is both 
were down. TLcy rolled about and kicked up a tremendous 
dust. They squirmed around so energetically, that you'd 
thought they had a dozen legs instead of four. It looked 
like a prize fight between two pugilistic centipedes Pi 
nally, they both rolled on the bank and into the river. 

The water eooled them. They went down together, 
hut came up separately, and put for the shore. Both 
reached it about the same time, and Thompson scrambled up 
the bank, mounted his warlike steed, leaving his foe gouging 
the mud out of one of his eyes. 

Having left tho buisness portion of the town — that is, 
the corner where the three bars were kept — he struck a 
house in the suburbs, before which a little girl of about 
three years old was playing. 

"What place is this, sissy ?" he asked. The little girl 
frightened at the drowned rat Agate which the stranger cut, 
streaked it for the house. Having reached the door she 
stopped, — turned and squealed — Oobbee dam !" 

'Good heavens !" »sid Thomson digging hi* heels between 
his horse's ribs— '{•• I heavens ! let me get out of this 
horrid place, where a »t only the men, but the very babes 
aiid sucklings swtar at inoffensive travelers !" 


The following good one is t»ld of a military interview 
between a private soldier and General Lee, which took 
place in Western Virginia: 

" I say, Bob," said one private to another. " I've jest 
had a conversation with Geu. Lee." 

"O, you're joking, Bill." 

" No I ain't, 'pon honor." 

" Well, what did he say ? " 

"Well, you see, I was in a cornfield, a hooking some of 
old Jones' taters, when the General comes along, and says 
he to me : 'I say, you there, if you don't quit stealin' 
taters and get out of that field in double-quick time, I'll 
have you court-martialed and horse whipped around the 
camps; ' and so I left." 

70 1'HK (J AM A* dii.STKK 

Bill itigden, whose exploits down on lied rivef #e have 
mentioned before, had been d linking some, and, contrary 
to his usual custom, was blowing considerable, and finally 
said he could run faster, jump higher, div« deeper and 
come out drier, chaw more tobacco, drink more whiskey, 
and do more strange, queer and impossible things, than 
auy man in the crowd, winding up by offering to throw any 
man or fight a dozen, one at a time, then and there. A 
tall, cadaverous, fever-and-ague-looking chap got up and 
said : 

"I'm in for that last, stranger. I'm some on*wraatlc 
myself, and I'll try you." 

At it they went, and Bill got thrown badly. They then 
tried jumping, and Bill was euehered again. There was no 
watej: near to experiment at diving in, and Bill himself 
proposed that they should try some whiskey. 

"Wal,"aaid fever and ague, "I don't chaw tobaker, but 
I jist kin drink you dead drunk in an hour," 

'•Never !" shouted Bill, and they sat down, whiling the 
time away by playing euchre; game after game and glass 
after glass passed, without the least apparent effect upon 
the stranger, while Bill showed it badly, soon not being 
able to tell the cards or eren to handle them. 

At this stage the pale face arose, remarking ; 

"Wal, I guess as how you're drunk enough; and ef 
you'll make me one drink, I'll mount my pony and be off." 

"What'll you have ?" said the clerk. 

"(iot any brandy ?" 


"Put in a middling dram." It was done. "Got any 
red-eye V" 


'Wal, a leetle of that. Any Turpentine T" 


"About a spuneful put in. Any red pepper ? " 


"Shake in some ; and now my boy, ef you'll put iu a 
leetle of that aquafortis I see up tbar, I'll, take my drink 
and be gone." 


"My ," groaned Bill, "I should think you would 

— -I give it >p. I'm beat. Don't drink that, stranger, 
you'll die, sure. I'll never say drink again, I swear I 
won't Don't drink it." 

Amid the roar* of the crowd, tbepalegent mounted his 
pony and cantered away. 

Hardee's Tachcs Improved. — As our army was re- 
turning irom Northern Missis.-ippi, one of the soldiers 
who was straggling rather far in the rear, was accosted by 
Gen. Hardee, with " Hallo, my friend, why don't jou 
hurry up, and not be lagging so far behind '?" 

"Ain't you Gen. Hardee?" asked the straggler. 

'Y«s, I am, but why do you ask 1 " 

"Well, didn't you write a book called Hardee s Tactics ?" 

"Yes, I did." 

"Well, 'didn't you tell in that book how to double col- 
umn at h»lf distance ? " 

"Yes, I did." 

"But you never said nothiu' about how to double dis- 
tance on half rations, did you, General ? " 

"No, my friend, I did not; but you can take your time, 
only do the best you ean," replied the General, as he put 
spurs to his horse and gallopped off. 

An Englishman, renewing Beauregard's army last 
fummer, observed some of our careless soldiers with white 
flags in the se.tof their biveches, and be said to Beaure- 
gard that the Yankees would laugh if they saw such 
sights. '■ 0," said our General, " the Yankees never see 
the backs of our men." 

An Irish officer in Minorca, was found bj a gentleman, 
who eame to visit him in the morning, a little ruffled, and 
being asked the reason , he replied, that he had lost a pair 
of fine black silk stockiugs out of his room, that cost him 
eighteen shillings ; but he hoped he should get them again, 
for he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of half 
a «rown for the person who brought them. His friend 
.observing, that this was too poor a recompense tor such a 
pair of silk stockings ; poh, man, replied he, I directed 
the crier to say they were worsted. 





Just published of the 


Juanita. Ever ot thee. Officer's funeral. Lorena. Paul Vane. Mother 
is the hattle over. When the swallows homeward fly. Ben Bolt 
Mary of Argyle. Annie Laurie. Switzer's faiewell. Let me Kisc 
him for his Mother. I see her still in my dreams. O. tiv#me a home 
by the sea. 

Also, of the 


How can I leave thee. We may be happy yet. )We met by chance. 
Then you'll rernauiber me. JlollieV Dream Waltz. La Marseillaise 
,6y Beyer. P. F. S-mth'a March, Soldier's Adieu. Monastery Bells. 
Nocturne by Dohler. Silvery Shower, by Baumbach. Gond<-)lied. 
Maiden's Prayer. Impromptu Polka. Sehulhuff. 
Also, of strictly 


ICiss me before I die, Met her. 1 will not quite forget. Prisoner'! 
Lament. Boya keep your powder dry. I cannot, cannot say farewell 
I wfiiU liketo change my name. God save the South. DriimniM 
Boy of Shiloh, Keep me awake Mother;*" 

Also, in pirns, a seiies of * 


With beautifully lithographed titlt; pages, bearing ths likeness of 
our Generals Lee, Beauregard, Johnston, Bragg and Stonewall 

sraar i£#s& mi €*&«» 

An Illustrated Comic Medley 
1'ilce $13 per dvztn. 

la Press , . , 


New bo^AS, Periodicals mid Music received daily.